what a surprise...

I'm doing it to myself again. I'm becoming depressed for no good reason. Just because I'm feeling a little lonely is no reason to act like my world is falling apart. I have tried so hard to not let this happen again. But, what a surprise! Its happening again.

I do not know what to write anymore. Thus, I shall end this post now. I have no motivation today.

amazed.

I am excited! I am going to be just fine. I was scared for a little while. However, today I found out everything is going to be fine. I am determinded no to make the same mistake again. I have said the same thing in the past but this time, I am going to try my hardest. I do not want to live my life in fear and anxiety. I believe that goes against everything I have strived for. 

Well, I just wanted to make a small update into my world at the moment. I made a huge mistake and I was terrified of the outcome. Though, I have learned a valuable leason. For that I am greatful. Life is hard but I enjoy every moment that passes by. And I do try to live every moment to the fullest. I do not want to feel like I have wasted a beautiful day of this crazy life I live in this wonderous world we live in. Perhaps I sound much to happy, but in all honesty, what is wrong with being optimstic? I have live as a sad deppresed person for far too long! I truly believe the best medicine for my depessed state is to get out and LIVE! Go to the river! The park! Play! Laugh! To simply be happy! 

Hm, I guess that is all I have to say at the moment. WOW! I am so happy to be an imperfect human girl. I would not want it any other way. 

choices.

I have a tough desicion to make. I have to make it quite soon. I wish I did not have to do this. Alas, I have only brought this upon myself. Why must life be so complicated? I long to return to a simplier time, but that is only wishful thinking. Both sides of this choice have grand and not so grand aspects. Then again, is not that how it normally is. I should feel worse about this, shouldn't I? But I do not. I feel marvelous. I am an odd one. I hope that in the end the choice I make will be worth while. 

Oh, my my my. How my body aches! I am very tired. I would like to nap, but the more I sleep the more my body aches. Damn. 

new year's resolutions.

A Quick Update: Bartholomew, my beloved hamster, is home! He was found around 5:00 p.m. I am overjoyed by his return. He is safe, though a tad bit dirty from being under our refrigerator. I am very glad to see him in his cage and playing on his wheel once again.

Well, as promised, here are my New Year's Resolutions. I have chosen eighteen goals for myself since I am eighteen years old. This idea was given to me by my friend, Emilee.

Tesia's New Year's Resolutions:

1) Eat healthier.
2) Gradually become vegetarian (key word, "gradually" heh heh)
3) Run at least twice a week.
4) Write letters to my friends.
5) Start learning Japanese.
6) Practice my photography more frequently.

7) Enroll at ACC. (Austin Community College)
8) Read at least two new books a month.
9) Post on my blog at least twice a week.
10) Write in my personal journal at least once a week.
11) Live on a prayer!
12) Do volunteer work.
13) Read my Bible at least five times a week.
14) Do NOT over eat.
15) Set a good example for my younger cousins.
16) Be the best friend I can be.
17) Learn to cook well. (got to start practicing for when I am married! heh)
18) MOVE OUT! (Indeed.)

There they are. I know many of these will be hard for me to keep, however, I will do my best to keep them. 

Again, I wish you all a Happy New Year!

beauty.

I get all dolled up. I fix my hair until I am satisfied with how it looks. I apply make-up to my face. I dress myself in my favourite articles of clothing. I choose my attire based on my mood. If I am feeling girly, perhaps a dress is what I'll wear. Since this time of year is my favourite, often I will not be without a sweater, hat or scarf. When I am all dolled up, the world may view me as beautiful. But I do not feel beautiful.

My hair is a mess. My face is red. My clothes are sweaty. I am on the court. I may not be the best basketball player, but I love to play. When I am sweaty from playing, the world may not view me as beautiful. But I feel alive. To feel alive is beautiful.

My face is bare. No make-up. My hair is wet. Wavy, stuck to my face, not straight. I have a towel wrapped around me. I just got out of the shower. When I am bare and average, the world may not view me as beautiful. But I feel refreshed. To feel refreshed is beautiful.

When the world may not view me as beautiful, that is when I feel different than the world. When I feel different, I feel like myself. When the world rejects me, I feel found. When the world calls me ugly, I feel beautiful.

walk a mile in my shoes.

walk a mile in my shoes., originally uploaded by tessie!.

The title says it all. So often people tell me, "I know how you feel." They say it because maybe they do, but more than likely they say it because they can not think of anything else to say. These people think that saying this to you, means something, that they have made you "feel better." When in all reality, I want to punch them in the face for saying those words. If that is all you can say to me, then please hld your tongue. I'd rather you be silent and sit by my side than say those empty words. Sometimes all a person needs is silence and to know you are there. At least, that is how I function. I do not need your flashy words, empty words or silly words. I just like knowing you are there. Silence, a hug, a smile means more then your words. But if you really do have a profound statement to share, then go ahead. Hopefully, my heart will listen.

ponder.

I wonder how things will turn out. I hope they turn out for the better.

"We got to hold on to what we got."

I am living on a prayer this week. Let's pray it turns out wonderful.

jealousy.

Why do I get so ridiculously jealous? It is crazy! I become so jealous at the slightest of things. My jealousy irritates me. When I become jealous, I can feel my stomach flip, my face warms up and I almost cry. It's almost like I am jealous and angry at the same time. It really bothers me. My jealousy is so great that sometimes I become angry at the person I feel the jealousy towards. It does not matter who the person is, it could be an old friend. But when my jealousy takes over, it's like I hate them. It could last for a minute, hour or days. And, just as quickly my jealousy comes, it goes.

I do not understand. I get so protective of the things I care about. Whether its activities I like to do, or people that I care about, if another person becomes involved in said activities or becomes close to those people, the jealousy takes over.

Even if I have no logical reason to feel this way, it still overtakes me. My jealousy issues are something I really need to tend to. I need to be able to control my jealous, not let it control me.

down the rabbit whole.

I have been feeling the creative juices flow through my body. The Cranberries cover of "Kiss Me" is playing on my iTunes. I experienced an urge to write as the first notes of the song crept into my ears. I'm entirely unsure at this point what it is I am feeling. I feel warm, cold, lost, afraid, loved, wanted, forgotten, weary, longing, wanting, needing, and completely unsure of my life.

I am listening to Damien Rice on iTunes now.

My life is spiralling around me, yet time seems to be moving slowly. I feel the pressure of registering for college classes, though I am unsure about future schooling. I am growing increasingly discourage. Try as I might I still have not found a job. Recently, I was in a car accident. At times, I feel like my best friend is replacing me and that I am growing farther part with my dearest friends. I am all together scared to open my heart to anyone, especially the one I want to be loved by. I am worried if I let anyone come close, let them know my inner secrets that they will be disgusted by what they find. I fear that I am unworthy of human love. I fear that I am a complete failure. I have let so many people down. I have lost anyone I have loved completely, or thought I loved. People have said they would never leave, but they do. I know I can not put all my trust into people. Only God can truly satisfy me. But then, why do I not feel like He does? I have tried to fully give myself to Him, yet again and again I fail Him. He has yet to answer my one prayer. Perhaps, He has and it "no," and I just refuse to accept it as fact. I find it increasingly difficult to live each day when everywhere I look I see the evils and sorrows of this world.

I fear most of all that I do not know how to love. I have never seen first hand love. My parents do not love each other. I have seen other parents in love, and I wonder, "Why were my parents not like that? Why did God let them hate each other?" I do not understand. How could God allow two people who are supposed to be in love, hate each other. It does not make sense. I wish someone could explain this to me. I know no one will be able to.

I have this whole in my heart. No matter what I try to fill it with it, it keeps on growing. I fear eventually it will consume me. I fear that one day, my fears will destroy me. I want all my fears, sorrows, pain, and hurts to go away and be healed. People have tried to help me, but nothing seems to be working. I try to pray, but every time I end up mad at God and crying myself to sleep. Nothing seems to work.

The more I think about ways to fix myself, the more I think about my problems, and the hurt grows more. I do not know what to do anymore. Perhaps, there is nothing I or any other human can do. Perhaps, I am beyond fixing, because maybe I do not want to be fixed.

I have gone down the rabbit whole, and I do believe there is no turning back.

But that does not mean I do not want someone to try to pull me out. Someone to pull me out of the pit that I dug myself. I hope the person who is able to pull me out comes soon. I am tried of being alone. I am tired of being alone in the dark.

Help me crawl out.

breaking into place.

I have been thinking about doing this for awhile. I have decided to write a post on the meaning of the title breaking into place.

This blog is my awakening into truly living, and a journey into self-realization. By writing I hope to come to understand my crazy thought process. I want to understand who I am. I want to know who Tesia Naomi is. By writing about the events in my life and how I cope and understand them, I hope to be able to comprehend who I truly am. I want to know the meaning behind my thoughts. I want to be able to say,"I am Tesia," and know what that means. I want to search within my soul. I want to meet my inner demons and defeat them. I want to use this blog to help understand myself. I want to use this blog to discover what it is I fear, then conquer those fears. i want to to uncover what makes me tick. I want to know.

I want to use this blog to grow closer to God. To use this blog to call out to Him. I want to use this blog to help me understand my place in the world, in my family, in my life. I want to find my place.

I want to find my place. Finding my place will be hard. Finding my purpose will be difficult. The answers and events that lead to my place will not fall into place. No, it will not be that easy. Finding my true self will be a long tedious journey. The answers and the pieces to the puzzle will be slowly breaking into place. It will take time.

How much time, I do not know. The journey will be all together worth it. The pain that I will endure will be worth it. In the end, I will have learned so much about myself. I will have learned to cling to God for strength.

I am anxious to meet myself. I am anxious to be close to God.