the long and winding road.

"Many times I've been alone

And many times I've cried

Anyway, you'll never know

The many ways I've tried

And still they lead me back

To the long and winding road

You left me standing here

A long long time ago

Don't leave me waiting here

Lead me to your door

And still they lead me back

To the long and winding road

You left me standing here

A long long time ago

Don't keep me waiting here

Lead me to your door"

- "The Long and Winding Road" by: The Beatles

Please, don't leave me here. Alone. Lead me to your door.

I've been on a Beatles kick these past few days, expect more post with Beatles song quotes.

Some days, most days.

I feel as though I'm being taken advantage of and used by the one person in my life that I feel I can trust. The thought of cutting my ties with this person has crossed my mind so many times, but I have not been able to bring myself to fully go through with it. This person means too much to me, even though I am almost positive I mean nothing to them.

Untitled.

"You shut your mouth
How can you say
I go about things the wrong way
I am Human and I need to be loved
Just like everybody else does."

- The Smiths

Last night was a terrible night. Started good, middle was wretched, ended descent. Basically, what I feared would happened, happened. Only far worse then I thought possible. I knew he would be mad, but I truly believed he was done making me stupid. I know he says terrible things. But I did not see him being so harsh to make his point. I do not understand why he seems to hate me so much. I know that he is trying to do his best. But from what I have observed about his behaviour compared to the way it is "supposed" to be, it is unbelievable the differences that I see.

I'm so tired of always doing things wrong, and never pleasing him. I thought she was hard to please. I thought she was my enemy. Everyday I spend here I am beginning to see that they are really not all that different. What I was trying to escape, I have found it here. Only it is in a different form.

The Smiths.

"Last night I dreamt
That somebody loved me
No hope, no harm
Just another false alarm

Last night I felt
Real arms around me
No hope, no harm
Just another false alarm"

- The Smiths.

Why do I feel so alone? All I want is some security. To love and be loved in return. When the day comes that I truly feel that I have found what I am looking for, I will be immensely happy. No words can describe the longing in the pit of my stomach. There is nothing that I desire more then to bring another person happiness, security and to love that person with all my heart till the end of my days.

i wish...

I lived alone. I love my grandma, but I do wish I lived alone. I like having the house to myself. I dislike being cooped up in my room, but I do not want to be around people all the time. 

I wish I had a nice little house all to myself. That would be just dandy. Oh, and I would have a nifty kitty as well.

down the rabbit whole.

I have been feeling the creative juices flow through my body. The Cranberries cover of "Kiss Me" is playing on my iTunes. I experienced an urge to write as the first notes of the song crept into my ears. I'm entirely unsure at this point what it is I am feeling. I feel warm, cold, lost, afraid, loved, wanted, forgotten, weary, longing, wanting, needing, and completely unsure of my life.

I am listening to Damien Rice on iTunes now.

My life is spiralling around me, yet time seems to be moving slowly. I feel the pressure of registering for college classes, though I am unsure about future schooling. I am growing increasingly discourage. Try as I might I still have not found a job. Recently, I was in a car accident. At times, I feel like my best friend is replacing me and that I am growing farther part with my dearest friends. I am all together scared to open my heart to anyone, especially the one I want to be loved by. I am worried if I let anyone come close, let them know my inner secrets that they will be disgusted by what they find. I fear that I am unworthy of human love. I fear that I am a complete failure. I have let so many people down. I have lost anyone I have loved completely, or thought I loved. People have said they would never leave, but they do. I know I can not put all my trust into people. Only God can truly satisfy me. But then, why do I not feel like He does? I have tried to fully give myself to Him, yet again and again I fail Him. He has yet to answer my one prayer. Perhaps, He has and it "no," and I just refuse to accept it as fact. I find it increasingly difficult to live each day when everywhere I look I see the evils and sorrows of this world.

I fear most of all that I do not know how to love. I have never seen first hand love. My parents do not love each other. I have seen other parents in love, and I wonder, "Why were my parents not like that? Why did God let them hate each other?" I do not understand. How could God allow two people who are supposed to be in love, hate each other. It does not make sense. I wish someone could explain this to me. I know no one will be able to.

I have this whole in my heart. No matter what I try to fill it with it, it keeps on growing. I fear eventually it will consume me. I fear that one day, my fears will destroy me. I want all my fears, sorrows, pain, and hurts to go away and be healed. People have tried to help me, but nothing seems to be working. I try to pray, but every time I end up mad at God and crying myself to sleep. Nothing seems to work.

The more I think about ways to fix myself, the more I think about my problems, and the hurt grows more. I do not know what to do anymore. Perhaps, there is nothing I or any other human can do. Perhaps, I am beyond fixing, because maybe I do not want to be fixed.

I have gone down the rabbit whole, and I do believe there is no turning back.

But that does not mean I do not want someone to try to pull me out. Someone to pull me out of the pit that I dug myself. I hope the person who is able to pull me out comes soon. I am tried of being alone. I am tired of being alone in the dark.

Help me crawl out.