Paper Heart and Love and Mushy Stuff.

Today, I watched Paper Heart. It was a cute movie and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I liked listening to all the people's stories about their loves. It was interesting to hear all the different takes on love. What it is, how you know its real and all that mushy stuff. They all mentioned some sort of realization point. Some described it as a spark or lightening bolt. (What's with love and electricity? Hm, peculiar.) I think of my realization point more like running face first into a glass door. You don't know its there until it hits you in the face...really hard. Love is an odd thing. I do not fully understand it and I do not think I ever will which is just fine with me. Some things are not meant to be understood.

"You're a part time lover and a full time friend."

- The Moldy Peaches

^ That is how I think of my love.

swirling, twirling

I feel its time to dismantle. To begin anew.

"Leave those bad ideas in your troubled head."

Oh, and I am thoroughly excited about my Toms shoes and Alice in Wonderland tonight.

the song in my head.

"And this is what she sang...

It's not like I'm a slut

Or that I really like to fuck

I just want every boy I see

To walk away with part of me.

Until there's nothing left to hold

Until there's nothing left to hate

I appreciate your help

But even you can't save me from myself."

- "Japanese Gum" by: Her Space Holiday

Joan Jett.

"I dont give a damn bout my reputation
Youre living in the past its a new generation
A girl can do what she wants to do and thats
What Im gonna do
An I dont give a damn bout my bad reputation

Oh no not me

An I dont give a damn bout my reputation
Never said I wanted to improve my station
An Im only doin good
When Im havin fun
An I dont have to please no one
An I dont give a damn
bout my bad reputation

Oh no, not me
Oh no, not me

I dont give a damn
bout my reputation
Ive never been afraid of any deviation
An I dont really care
If ya think Im strange
I aint gonna change
An Im never gonna care
bout my bad reputation"

"Bad Reputation" by: Joan Jett

Enough said. This song is rad.

precious.

"Things get damaged, things get broken
I thought we'd manage, but words left unspoken
Left us so brittle
There was so little left to give"

"Precious" by: Depeche Mode

I don't even know what I'm feeling right now. i made a mistake and I just hope it will be fixed.

the long and winding road.

"Many times I've been alone

And many times I've cried

Anyway, you'll never know

The many ways I've tried

And still they lead me back

To the long and winding road

You left me standing here

A long long time ago

Don't leave me waiting here

Lead me to your door

And still they lead me back

To the long and winding road

You left me standing here

A long long time ago

Don't keep me waiting here

Lead me to your door"

- "The Long and Winding Road" by: The Beatles

Please, don't leave me here. Alone. Lead me to your door.

I've been on a Beatles kick these past few days, expect more post with Beatles song quotes.

you.

"You're a part time lover and a full time friend." - The Moldy Peaches

No other words could explain it better.

"I don't see what anyone can see in anyone else but you."

Mint Car.

The sun is up
I'm so happy I could scream!
And there's nowhere else in the world I'd rather be
Than here with you
It's perfect
It's all I ever wanted
I almost can't believe that it's for real

I really don't think it gets any better than this
Vanilla smile
And a gorgeous strawberry kiss!
Birds sing we swing
Clouds drift by and everything is like a dream
It's everything I wished

Never guessed it got this good
Wondered if it ever would
Really didn't think it could
Do it again?
I know we should!!!

The sun is up
I'm so fizzy I could burst!
You wet through and me headfirst
Into this is perfect
It's all I ever wanted
Ow! It feels so big it almost hurts!

Never guessed it got this good
Wondered if it ever would
Really didn't think it could
Do it some more?
I know we should!!!
Say it will always be like this
The two of us together
It will always be like this
Forever and ever and ever...

Never guessed it got this good
Wondered if it ever would
Really didn't think it could
Do it all the time?
I know that we should!!!

This song is amazing. This is how I feel right now, how I've been feeling. I love how music can capture a feeling is such a perfect way. I'm just so very happy. I do not know what else to say. Happiness and love have filled my heart. I could just burst.

Untitled.

"You shut your mouth
How can you say
I go about things the wrong way
I am Human and I need to be loved
Just like everybody else does."

- The Smiths

Last night was a terrible night. Started good, middle was wretched, ended descent. Basically, what I feared would happened, happened. Only far worse then I thought possible. I knew he would be mad, but I truly believed he was done making me stupid. I know he says terrible things. But I did not see him being so harsh to make his point. I do not understand why he seems to hate me so much. I know that he is trying to do his best. But from what I have observed about his behaviour compared to the way it is "supposed" to be, it is unbelievable the differences that I see.

I'm so tired of always doing things wrong, and never pleasing him. I thought she was hard to please. I thought she was my enemy. Everyday I spend here I am beginning to see that they are really not all that different. What I was trying to escape, I have found it here. Only it is in a different form.

The Smiths.

"Last night I dreamt
That somebody loved me
No hope, no harm
Just another false alarm

Last night I felt
Real arms around me
No hope, no harm
Just another false alarm"

- The Smiths.

Why do I feel so alone? All I want is some security. To love and be loved in return. When the day comes that I truly feel that I have found what I am looking for, I will be immensely happy. No words can describe the longing in the pit of my stomach. There is nothing that I desire more then to bring another person happiness, security and to love that person with all my heart till the end of my days.

the cure.

Mmm. The Cure. Their haunting melodies make my heart melt. The perfect way to end a crazy weekend: Sitting under a blanket listening to my The Cure Station on Pandora Radio. Oh, how i enjoy these hauntingly peaceful sounds. I am content with my being.

I added a new piece of metal to my body. I do adore my ear cartilage ring. It has become a part of me.

the sound of silence.

"Hello darkness, my old friend,
I've come to talk with you again,
Because a vision softly creeping,
Left its seeds while I was sleeping,
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence.

In restless dreams I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone,
neath the halo of a street lamp,
I turned my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of
A neon light
That split the night
And touched the sound of silence.

And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more.
People talking without speaking,
People hearing without listening,
People writing songs that voices never share
And no one dared
Disturb the sound of silence.


Fools said i, you do not know
Silence like a cancer grows.
Hear my words that I might teach you,
Take my arms that I might reach you.
But my words like silent raindrops fell,
And echoed
In the wells of silence

And the people bowed and prayed
To the neon God they made.
And the sign flashed out its warning,
In the words that it was forming.
And the signs said, the words of the prophets
Are written on the subway walls
And tenement halls.
And whispered in the sounds of silence."

- Simon & Garfunkel.

This is a powerful song. Like many songs, everyone may gather something different from the next person. This songs sends chills up my spin, from the haunting sound of Paul Simon's voice to the soft sounds of the music. When I hear it, I am filled with emotion. I can not help but sing along with the chilling lyrics. Its mesmerizing, the feeling I receive when I listen to this song. I do have a side of me that is a recluse. Songs like these are the soundtrack to my reclusive lifestyle. Simon & Garfunkel are one of my favourite bands for prosaically these reasons.

"mad world."

"Mad World"

"All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for the daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrows
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you, cos I find it hard to take
When people run in circles it's a very very
Mad world, mad world

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy birthday, happy birthday
And they feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me whats my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me

And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you, cos I find it hard to take
When people run in circles it's a very very
Mad world, mad world"

- Tears For Fears

Earlier today, I watched Donnie Darko for the first time. During the end of the movie Gary Jules' cover of Tears For Fears "Mad World" is played. Gary Jules does a grand performance. Upon hearing it, I was struck through the heart. This song touched me. I felt something. The emotion I had been under the influence of finally made sense. I found the words that discribed my inner self in such a perfect way. The part in bold is closest to my heart. I could have never portrayed my emotions in a more clear way. I am not sure how to explain it. Listen to Tears for Fears "Mad World" and then you will know what it is I am feeling. Its an ironic twisted feeling, yet, I feel peace, safety, and complete. Perhaps, I have come so accustomed to this Mad World we live in. Perhaps, my emotional and mental problems are so deeply rooted that they will never be up-rooted. And if they ever are, will the outcome be physically damaging?

"The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had."

"you broke the boy in me, but you won't break the man"

Well, I heard from Chilli's today. They will not be able to offer me the position at this time. I will admit that I was very upset when I heard this news. I have been looking for a job for a few months now. Constently getting turned down is quite discuriging. However, I am trying to not let these events put me down. I picked up two applications today after I heard the news from Chilli's. I am determined to find a job. I know God is in control. He will provide. I can not let this bring my spirit down.

In the words of John Parr, "You broke the boy in me but you won't break the man."





On a side note, the lyric quoted is from "St. Elmo's Fire" by John Parr. 'Tis a grand song, give it a listen.

livin' on a prayer.

"She says we got to hold on to what we got,
It doesn't make a difference if we make it or not.
We got each other and that's alot,
For love we'll give it a shot.

Oh, We're half way there
Oh oh, livin' on a prayer
Take my hand we'll make it I swear!
Oh oh, livin' on a prayer"

- Bon Jovi

This song has been on my mind for about the past week. The small section that I have typed above holds quite a bit of meaning for me. I feel like this is how I want to live each day of my life. I want to "hold on to what we got;" I want to be happy "if we make it or not." Because, "for love I'll give it a shot!" I want to live on a prayer. I want to put all my trust in that prayer and live for love. I know I can live on a prayer, because I know who hears my prayer. God hears my prayer, and His love is so much deeper then the love any human could ever give me. "Take my hand, we'll make it I swear," when I hear that line, I picture God saying that to me. Although, I wonder if it would sound more like this, "take my hand we'll make it, I promise."

I want to live on a prayer. I want to put all my heart and soul into that prayer. I want to live happily "If we make it or not." I want to find someone to live on a prayer with. In my life I want to "hold on to what we got." I want to be satisfied with the life I live on this earth, no matter how brief a time it may be.

And, I challenge YOU. I challenge you to live on a prayer. I challenge you to put all your trust in the God who hears that prayer. I challenge you to hold on to what you got. I challenge you to be satisfied in your life. I challenge you.

killing loneliness.

"Killing Loneliness"

Memories, sharp as daggers
Pierce into the flesh of today
Suicide of love took away all that matters
And buried the remains in an unmarked grave in your heart

With the venomous kiss you gave me
I'm killing loneliness (Killing loneliness)
With the warmth of your arms you saved me,
Oh, I'm killing loneliness with you
The killing loneliness that turned my heart into a tomb
I'm killing loneliness

Nailed to a cross, together
As solitude begs us to stay
Disappear in the lie, forever
And denounce the power of death over our souls as secret words are said to start a war

With the venomous kiss you gave me
I'm killing loneliness (Killing loneliness)
With the warmth of your arms you saved me,
Oh, I'm killing loneliness with you
The killing loneliness that turned my heart into a tomb
I'm killing loneliness

I'm killing loneliness
With the venomous kiss you gave me
I'm killing loneliness (Killing loneliness)
With the warmth of your arms you saved me
Oh, I'm killing loneliness with you
The killing loneliness that turned my heart into a tombI'm killing loneliness

I'm killing loneliness with you
I'm killing loneliness with you
Killing loneliness with you
Killing loneliness with you
Killing loneliness
Killing loneliness

- HIM


This is truely an amazing song. I had forgotten how much I adored this song. Moves me to tears everytime.