Christmas time.

Well Christmas was on Thursday. I love Christmas. There is something in the air around Christmas that just makes everything seem perfect. Even though deep inside I know my world will always be far from perfect. Regardless, I still had a marvelous Christmas.

On Christmas Eve, we went over to my aunt Nani's house for dinner. She is an excellent cook! We had ham as the main dish. Corn, green beans, yams, and mashed potatoes were the sides. And there were what seemed as endless sweets for dessert. It was a lovely dinner. Most of my family was present, minus the San Antonio Clan. My father and I did not stay long for we both had other activities to tend to. My father was eager to head home to watch the Noter Dame football game. And I was looking forward to spending the evening with Willem.

When Willem arrived, we headed to my room to watch Wall-E. I had not seen it before. Oh man, if you have not seen this film, I highly suggest you do! I fell in love with Wall-E ten minutes into the film. Spending time with Willem was the highlight of my Christmas Eve. Unfortunately his gift had not come in yet, therefore I was unable to give it to him. The silly boy had also misplaced my gift somewhere in his room. We will just have to exchange gifts at a later time. Oh well, it is a good excuse to see him again. (heehee.)

Christmas Day was different but it was still wonderful. My San Antonio cousins were not with us this year. I was sad not being able to see them, but they are coming over tomorrow which is lovely. Besides that, Christmas morning went normally. We waited for Nani and her family to arrive before we opened our gifts. Needless to say, I was anxious for their arrival; my father allowed me to open one gift before they came. That helped me calm down a bit. I really am such a little kid when it come to festivities like these. I feel no shame in this fact though.

After opening gifts and having a tamale breakfast, Nani and her family left to get ready to head down to San Antonio to see Great Grandma and everyone else. I was unable to go to San Antonio with everyone because I had made plans to head over to my mum's house. Holidays are always confusing and can have drama because of the divorce, but I have learned to deal with it.

Upon arriving at my mum's house, I was bombarded by my cousins, Leah and Jade. I was very excited to see them both. Since I graduated and moved in with my dad, I hardly see Leah anymore. And I can not remember the last time I saw Jade. Perhaps, last Christmas? Needless to say it was wonderful being able to spend time with them. When I was finally able to go inside my mum's house I was bombarded once again with Hello's and Merry Christmas's from all over the room. I was unsure of who was talking to me since there were people and voices everywhere. I believe there may have been some relatives that i never did say hello to. Which is sad but sometimes it can not be helped when we have our Mexican Chaos everywhere.

It is tradition that on Christmas we all go see various movies. Some of my cousins and I went to see Valkyrie. That was an excellent film, regardless of the fact that we were in the very first row! I was amazed by how many people I saw at the Starplex. Kristi and her mom, then later I saw her brother, Levi. Daniel, my old basketball coach was there also seeing Valkyrie. I also saw Sean, poor guy, he had to work at the Starplex. But he was in high spirits which is good.

All in all, Christmas was interesting but all together exciting! This was a wonderful way to start the end of the year. I am thoroughly excited and afraid of what the future may hold. The unknown is wonderfully terrifying.

its the most wonderful time...

...of the year!!

Ah, Christmas is a week from today. I can hardly believe it. Today, my dear friend Amanda and I headed to the Outlet Mall to get some last minute shopping done. By the time Amanda arrived at the Mall, I had bought all my gifts. Unfortunately, Amanda was present while I was purchasing her gift. Oh well, she will enjoy it anyway! Ha ha. It was a lovely day in my opinion. Overcast, grey, rainy and with a eerie fog about. It was delightful to walk about in. I am thoroughly pleased with the gifts I have bought for my friends and family. But, oh my!! Men are so hard to shop for. I still need to buy my papa and Willem's gifts. I have no idea what to get for them. I would cop-out for a tie, but Papa does not wear ties. He does not fit the "typical father" mold. Damn, sometimes I really wish he did. Willem on the other hand does not fit the "typical anything" mold. Oh, that boy. How I adore him. I am planing a trip to Half-price Books for tomorrow. Hopefully, I can find something for those men there. If not, then I will search Hastings. I have to find them something wonderful. Especially, Papa. He may not be the best father in the world, but he is my father. And having him around is all I ask for, and I am thankful to have him.

warmth

Oh Happy Day!! I am thoroughly enjoying the lovely weather that my little city is having! It is cold and grey. A dear friend of mine described the cold perfectly, "a fitting temperature for final days of the year." I could not agree more. Winter is absolutely my favourite time of the year. There is nothing more lovely then warm jackets, scarfs, hats, gloves, cozy fires, and amazing company.

When it cold out, all I need is warmth. I chuckle to myself at that statement. Seems quite obvious that I would need nothing but warmth, but warmth from fires and heaters is not all that I am referring to. I need warmth, the warmth from a friend (not body heat only.) The warmth of friendship, of love. The warmth of having a deep connection to the person sitting next to me. Having someone near when the sky is grey and foreboding is so completely comforting. Having friends close by as the year comes to an end and new beginnings arise is riveting. Knowing even though the earth is cold, your heart is warm with the love for friends and family is absolutely marvelous. I can not think of a more spectacular way to end.

little things.

It was worth it.
It was definitely worth it.
It was so very worth it.
I could not ask for more.
Today was a grand day.
Today was much better then I could ever have imagined.


Love the simple things.
Love the little things.
They all add up.
In the end, the little things are what really matter.
In the end, the simple things are what mean the most.

Today was simple, yet absolutely marvelous.

the awnser. (Nameless One)

What kind of light will bring us all together?
When it gets dark we'll only have each other
So take hold of the closest thing to
What you want and don't let go
What would they say if we could escape and spend tonight?
Like it's the best of our lives

Cast your fears away
Save your worries for another day
Come with me, I promise you won't be the same

I want to be with you, come with me
(Don’t wanna wait till tomorrow)
I want to be with you, will you come with me?
(Don’t wanna wait till tomorrow)
I want to be with you, will you come with me?
(Don’t wanna wait till tomorrow)
I want to be with you, will you come with me?

I want to make you feel like I do
I want to show you the world
Don't want to wait too long and miss our time to decide
Take a breath and ask yourself
Is it worth it to take this chance with me?

Cast your fears away
Save your worries for another day
Come with me, I promise you won't be the same

I want to be with you, come with me
(Don’t wanna wait till tomorrow)
I want to be with you, will you come with me?
(Don’t wanna wait till tomorrow)
I want to be with you, will you come with me?
(Don’t wanna wait till tomorrow)
I want to be with you, will you come with me?

I don't want to wait too long and miss our time to decide
Take a breath and ask yourself
Is it worth it to take this chance with me?

I want to be with you, come with me
(Don’t wanna wait till tomorrow)
I want to be with you, will you come with me?
(Don’t wanna wait till tomorrow)
I want to be with you, will you come with me?
(Don’t wanna wait till tomorrow)
I want to be with you, will you come with me?

I want to be with you, come with me, yeah
I want to be with you, will you come with me?


- "Nameless One" by Young Love

This song speaks the words I could never find the strength or the voice to say for myself. The song says "Don't want to wait til tomorrow," this is the only part I disagree with. I will wait as long as I have to. I admit, I have done a horrid job at waiting. In all honesty, I am not worth your time....

is it worth it?

I have been waiting patiently for awhile now. Lately, I have begun to wonder, "Is it worth it?" I have this friend that I am very fond of, and he knows about my feelings. I believe that he returns my feelings. He just has an odd way of showing it. I understand that he may be shy when it comes to certain things. I understand that he is busy working. I do not expect him to spend all his free time with me. But I would like to see him. I have not seen him in about two months. He went away for awhile, and he returned home about three weeks ago. I have yet to see him. It's not due to a lack of planning. We have made plans, but something always comes up on his end. Either he has been called elsewhere or he is too tired, it is starting to get old. It was like this as well before he left. I was hopeing upon his return things would be different. When he left, it was aparent that there was "something there" between us. But lately, I have begun to question that. He tells me that he wants to see me, but his actions seem to prove otherwise. I wonder if he really wants to see me. I want to believe that this waiting will amount to something, and that all this will prove to be worth it. Though, it becomes harder to wait with each passing day...

December.

Its hard for me to believe that a new month is starting. Where did November go? I also find it hard to believe that another month of blogging has gone by. The experiences I had in November were extraordinary, and some I have yet to see how they will affect my life.

December is by far my favourite month of the year. I adore everything about this month. The cold weather. Sights and Sounds of Christmas, which is coming up this weekend. The hazy skies and the crisp clear skies. Christmas Day. I love spending time with the ones I love, and remembering that God has given us the greatest gift, His son Jesus Christ. I must admit, I do enjoy the giving and receiving of presents as well. New Year's Eve. I love this day. It allows me time to reflect on the past year, and everything it holds. And it makes me wonder, how I will change or remain the same in the coming year.

Yes, this month will be interesting in its own unique way. I am eagerly waiting the new trails and experiences it holds. I am also excited to share those events with you, the people of the world, my friends, my family, and whomever stumbles across this little blog.

crazy night.

Last night was intense. I had a fantastic time with some awesome friends. Good company. Good conversation. Good times. I made a new friend, I will not say anymore on that. Oh boy. Monique and I know how to have a good time. Though I am sorry that I kept her from sleep and left her alone with a sleeping Sean. Actually, I am not all that sorry, because it was worth it. Indeed. Besides, once I explained everything to her, she was fine with getting a few less hours of sleep. And she is proud of me which makes me giggle to myself.



I feel bad for anyone who reads this post. All of you are out of the loop, and it will remain that way for I do not see the need to give you all the details of last nights shenanigans.



All in all, last night was crazy, fun, and I would love to do it all again.

the sound of silence.

"Hello darkness, my old friend,
I've come to talk with you again,
Because a vision softly creeping,
Left its seeds while I was sleeping,
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence.

In restless dreams I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone,
neath the halo of a street lamp,
I turned my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of
A neon light
That split the night
And touched the sound of silence.

And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more.
People talking without speaking,
People hearing without listening,
People writing songs that voices never share
And no one dared
Disturb the sound of silence.


Fools said i, you do not know
Silence like a cancer grows.
Hear my words that I might teach you,
Take my arms that I might reach you.
But my words like silent raindrops fell,
And echoed
In the wells of silence

And the people bowed and prayed
To the neon God they made.
And the sign flashed out its warning,
In the words that it was forming.
And the signs said, the words of the prophets
Are written on the subway walls
And tenement halls.
And whispered in the sounds of silence."

- Simon & Garfunkel.

This is a powerful song. Like many songs, everyone may gather something different from the next person. This songs sends chills up my spin, from the haunting sound of Paul Simon's voice to the soft sounds of the music. When I hear it, I am filled with emotion. I can not help but sing along with the chilling lyrics. Its mesmerizing, the feeling I receive when I listen to this song. I do have a side of me that is a recluse. Songs like these are the soundtrack to my reclusive lifestyle. Simon & Garfunkel are one of my favourite bands for prosaically these reasons.

adventures of babysitting.

Tonight is my first night babysitting the Jaso children. They are pretty awesome. Christian is the oldest at nine years of age; he is very helpful to have around. Micah is the middle child at seven years; he is crazy but manageable. Then there is Jamie, the youngest at two years; she is adorable and loves to mimic Micah. The Jaso's live in a small town somewhat near my own. I had a little trouble finding their house in the night, but I managed to not become to lost. That fact is something I am proud of. 

I have to admit, though I know this family, I was nervous about tonight. So far my nervousness as been proven to be a silly thing. There were some small fights between the brothers, but nothing to alert the coastguard about. All of us watched Batman Beyond: The Return of the Joker on Cartoon Network. The film was nothing like the original Batman, but it had its good qualities. During the film, Jamie came and cuddled up against my arm. I found this rather adorable, but soon after she bit my arm. She did not hurt me, and I had to stifle my laughter. After biting me, she ran off to annoy Micah. 

Before the movie had ended Baby Jamie's bedtime came about, this is when the real fun began. Poor thing, she sounded as if being dress for bed was worse then burning at the stake. Although she was crying, she did not put up much of a fight. She allowed me to change her diaper and clothes with little effort, but she did cry. Her brother Micah accompanied her through the "terrible"  ordeal. She was asleep in no time at all. Silly little girl, all those tears wasted. Jamie is a silly girl, though I suppose all children dislike having to go to bed while the "grown ups" stay up. 

It was rather obvious around 9:30 that the boys were growing tired, but they fought it. At around ten their weariness was to great and they staggered off to bed. Even as I typed this I can hear Star Wars: The Clone Wars streaming from their room. Christian is still awake and trying to fight off sleep.

 I will end this post now and urge Christian to get some well needed sleep.

beauty.

I get all dolled up. I fix my hair until I am satisfied with how it looks. I apply make-up to my face. I dress myself in my favourite articles of clothing. I choose my attire based on my mood. If I am feeling girly, perhaps a dress is what I'll wear. Since this time of year is my favourite, often I will not be without a sweater, hat or scarf. When I am all dolled up, the world may view me as beautiful. But I do not feel beautiful.

My hair is a mess. My face is red. My clothes are sweaty. I am on the court. I may not be the best basketball player, but I love to play. When I am sweaty from playing, the world may not view me as beautiful. But I feel alive. To feel alive is beautiful.

My face is bare. No make-up. My hair is wet. Wavy, stuck to my face, not straight. I have a towel wrapped around me. I just got out of the shower. When I am bare and average, the world may not view me as beautiful. But I feel refreshed. To feel refreshed is beautiful.

When the world may not view me as beautiful, that is when I feel different than the world. When I feel different, I feel like myself. When the world rejects me, I feel found. When the world calls me ugly, I feel beautiful.

walk a mile in my shoes.

walk a mile in my shoes., originally uploaded by tessie!.

The title says it all. So often people tell me, "I know how you feel." They say it because maybe they do, but more than likely they say it because they can not think of anything else to say. These people think that saying this to you, means something, that they have made you "feel better." When in all reality, I want to punch them in the face for saying those words. If that is all you can say to me, then please hld your tongue. I'd rather you be silent and sit by my side than say those empty words. Sometimes all a person needs is silence and to know you are there. At least, that is how I function. I do not need your flashy words, empty words or silly words. I just like knowing you are there. Silence, a hug, a smile means more then your words. But if you really do have a profound statement to share, then go ahead. Hopefully, my heart will listen.

you.

"I'll be yours forever, just tell me when to start." - The Honorary Title

It's true. All you have to do is tell me.. For some odd reason, I trust you. You did nothing to earn or lose it. It did not take me years to trust you as it normally does. For some strange reason, I trusted you from the beginning. To tell you the truth, it scares me more than anything. I've never had this happen to me before. This feeling is altogether new to me. It gives me an odd feeling in my stomach. Not a sickly feeling, not a warm feeling, I do not know how to explain it. But it does not feel wrong or bad, just different from anything I have experienced.

ponder.

I wonder how things will turn out. I hope they turn out for the better.

"We got to hold on to what we got."

I am living on a prayer this week. Let's pray it turns out wonderful.

last night.

Monique and Tesia make a scene.
Quantum of Solace.
Random friends of a friend.
Every gas station closed.
Monique and Sean having to pee like pregnant women.
Finding an open gas station is like finding oil in the desert.
Cops in the parking lot.
Vacant field.
Cold nights.
Hot Boxin'.
Having the giggles.
"Is that my phone on fire?"
Pass it, pass it.
Divide it out.
"IS THAT A CAR COMING!?! oh wait, its that damn poster."
Good times with friends.
Eat M&M's.
Crash.

Best night of the month? Hell yeah.
Priceless, bitch.

jealousy.

Why do I get so ridiculously jealous? It is crazy! I become so jealous at the slightest of things. My jealousy irritates me. When I become jealous, I can feel my stomach flip, my face warms up and I almost cry. It's almost like I am jealous and angry at the same time. It really bothers me. My jealousy is so great that sometimes I become angry at the person I feel the jealousy towards. It does not matter who the person is, it could be an old friend. But when my jealousy takes over, it's like I hate them. It could last for a minute, hour or days. And, just as quickly my jealousy comes, it goes.

I do not understand. I get so protective of the things I care about. Whether its activities I like to do, or people that I care about, if another person becomes involved in said activities or becomes close to those people, the jealousy takes over.

Even if I have no logical reason to feel this way, it still overtakes me. My jealousy issues are something I really need to tend to. I need to be able to control my jealous, not let it control me.

down the rabbit whole.

I have been feeling the creative juices flow through my body. The Cranberries cover of "Kiss Me" is playing on my iTunes. I experienced an urge to write as the first notes of the song crept into my ears. I'm entirely unsure at this point what it is I am feeling. I feel warm, cold, lost, afraid, loved, wanted, forgotten, weary, longing, wanting, needing, and completely unsure of my life.

I am listening to Damien Rice on iTunes now.

My life is spiralling around me, yet time seems to be moving slowly. I feel the pressure of registering for college classes, though I am unsure about future schooling. I am growing increasingly discourage. Try as I might I still have not found a job. Recently, I was in a car accident. At times, I feel like my best friend is replacing me and that I am growing farther part with my dearest friends. I am all together scared to open my heart to anyone, especially the one I want to be loved by. I am worried if I let anyone come close, let them know my inner secrets that they will be disgusted by what they find. I fear that I am unworthy of human love. I fear that I am a complete failure. I have let so many people down. I have lost anyone I have loved completely, or thought I loved. People have said they would never leave, but they do. I know I can not put all my trust into people. Only God can truly satisfy me. But then, why do I not feel like He does? I have tried to fully give myself to Him, yet again and again I fail Him. He has yet to answer my one prayer. Perhaps, He has and it "no," and I just refuse to accept it as fact. I find it increasingly difficult to live each day when everywhere I look I see the evils and sorrows of this world.

I fear most of all that I do not know how to love. I have never seen first hand love. My parents do not love each other. I have seen other parents in love, and I wonder, "Why were my parents not like that? Why did God let them hate each other?" I do not understand. How could God allow two people who are supposed to be in love, hate each other. It does not make sense. I wish someone could explain this to me. I know no one will be able to.

I have this whole in my heart. No matter what I try to fill it with it, it keeps on growing. I fear eventually it will consume me. I fear that one day, my fears will destroy me. I want all my fears, sorrows, pain, and hurts to go away and be healed. People have tried to help me, but nothing seems to be working. I try to pray, but every time I end up mad at God and crying myself to sleep. Nothing seems to work.

The more I think about ways to fix myself, the more I think about my problems, and the hurt grows more. I do not know what to do anymore. Perhaps, there is nothing I or any other human can do. Perhaps, I am beyond fixing, because maybe I do not want to be fixed.

I have gone down the rabbit whole, and I do believe there is no turning back.

But that does not mean I do not want someone to try to pull me out. Someone to pull me out of the pit that I dug myself. I hope the person who is able to pull me out comes soon. I am tried of being alone. I am tired of being alone in the dark.

Help me crawl out.

oh the joys of life.

Well, today I went to my grandma's house to babysit. It was interesting. My mum was there for a bit which was helpful. We had to take care of Kayla, Elias and Darrin. My mum had to leave to take Kayla to speech therapy; I was left with Elias and Darrin. Evin was dropped off by the school bus. Evin helped me keep an eye on Elias. I believe that I did not put down Darrin for two hours, and I have a sore arm to prove it. The poor little guy was crying. I gave him a bottle which calmed him down while the bottle lasted. Then the crying began again. He burped and spit up, and did all the things babies do. I decided I would check his diaper that's when the real fun started. He had a messy diaper. I took it off and began to clean him. Only, he was not quite finish. Pee went everywhere! I covered him back up with the diaper just a tad to late. The bed and his clothes were wet. I asked him, "Darrin, you silly little guy, are you finished now?" To which he respond with a grin and a laugh. "Oh Darrin, you're lucky I love you," I laughed in reply.

As a nice surprise, my aunt Helen arrived to pick up Evin and Elias. I told her about my "adventure" with Darrin. She found it rather humours. After they left, Darrin was calm for a bit. He would not allow me to sit down. I carried him around the house. I heard a car door outside. Then Grandma and Grandpa came in! As much as I love my baby cousin, I was glad to see Grandma. I told her about Darrin, she also found it humorous.

And that is my story for the day. Quite an event. My shirt smelled of thrown up formula, and my arm is very sore. However, it was all worth it. Darrin is a joyful hand full, and I love him very much. Taking care of him today, gave me a small glimpse at what it will be like when I have my own children. I pray I will be a good mother.

"mad world."

"Mad World"

"All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for the daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrows
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you, cos I find it hard to take
When people run in circles it's a very very
Mad world, mad world

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy birthday, happy birthday
And they feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me whats my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me

And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you, cos I find it hard to take
When people run in circles it's a very very
Mad world, mad world"

- Tears For Fears

Earlier today, I watched Donnie Darko for the first time. During the end of the movie Gary Jules' cover of Tears For Fears "Mad World" is played. Gary Jules does a grand performance. Upon hearing it, I was struck through the heart. This song touched me. I felt something. The emotion I had been under the influence of finally made sense. I found the words that discribed my inner self in such a perfect way. The part in bold is closest to my heart. I could have never portrayed my emotions in a more clear way. I am not sure how to explain it. Listen to Tears for Fears "Mad World" and then you will know what it is I am feeling. Its an ironic twisted feeling, yet, I feel peace, safety, and complete. Perhaps, I have come so accustomed to this Mad World we live in. Perhaps, my emotional and mental problems are so deeply rooted that they will never be up-rooted. And if they ever are, will the outcome be physically damaging?

"The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had."

the many faces of Darrin.

Alright. This is my baby cousin Darrin. He is adorable, silly, and so much fun to photograph. I love this little guy.

crazy times.

This past weekend was interesting to say the least. It all started Saturday night. Katherine and I planned on going to a pool hall. Two of our friends, Everett and Joel, met us there. The evening started out lovely. We played doubles, Joel and Katherine were on a team, and me and Everett were on a team. It was quite a humorous event. Everett put most of our teams balls in the pockets. I managed to sink two the entire evening. I am not a grand pool player, but I try my best. Joel went to pick up his younger brother, Luke. When they returned, the whole gang migrated to The Coffee Pot next door. The Coffee Pot has some of the best coffee in good ol' San Marcos. I bought my usual Vanilla Latte, it is heaven in a cup. Everyone bought their drink of choice, we had some interesting conversation. From the bathroom keys to Mr. Timmons' "Things are never what they appear" joke, and everything in between, it was lovely being able to sit with good friends and enjoy the night.

Leaving the Coffee Pot to venture to Calvary Chapel of the Springs is when the night took a horrid turn. Everett and I were in my car driving to the church when we were hit. Impact. Scream. Slide. When my car came to a stop, I was on the verge of panic. Tears welled up in my eyes, I was saying my favourite cuss word over and over, I was shaking, and having trouble breathing. I thank God we were not hurt and Everett was with me. Everett helped me keep my calm. Katherine, Joel and Luke came as soon as Everett told them what happened. I am very thankful I had wonderful friends with me. They all helped me greatly. Thank you.

The police arrived and swiftly started to evaluate the situation. There were three police cars and I believe five officers, I'm not sure why they needed so many. It took about an hour for the police to do their job, the whole time I was on the verge of tears. Again, I am glad everyone was there. In the end, I was held at fault for making an "illegal lane change," however I was not issued a ticket. Praise God!

My dad was not happy when I told him of the night's event. He was mad and disappointed with me. He has calmed down since then. Though he is still not happy. He has ordered the parts that are needed to fix my little car. Hopefully he will be able to start work on it this week.

On a brighter side, yesterday was my younger cousin Kayla's birthday! She turned three years old. The party was Dora the explorer themed. Kayla was so adorable and she really fancied the swings. Sadly, I was unable to stay for the whole party.

And on an even brighter side, my dear friend Willem will be home from Navy Basic training sometime at the end of the week. His mother told me last night he would be leaving Wednesday. If he comes by bus he will be here Friday, or if he comes by plane he will be here Thursday. I hope he has a safe and quick trip home. I miss him very much and I am very excited to see him.

"we go blind, when we've needed to see"

"We go blind, when we've needed to see." - Damien Rice.

That is how I feel about our country at this time. The people have been blinded by false hope and lies. The people have blindly followed their "leader" without knowing what it is he truly stands for. The nation is blindly, slowly going to follow their leader into socialism. It sounds good on paper and with flashy words, "redistribute the wealth." Take from the rich, and give to the poor. Sure, it sounds like a grand idea. Take from the hard working, and give to the lazy. Does that sound good to everyone? Are you willing to let the Government take your hard-earned money and give it to your lazy bum of a neighbor who says, "why work, when the government will take care of me?"

The ideas of socialism and communism sound good on paper, but they never work. Just look at history. What happened to the Soviet Union and its people? Look at the way China used to be, and how it is now. Look at all the other small, poor countries that let socialism and communism take over. These governmental systems are weeds. They look beautiful, but they choke the spirit of the people until any spirit of patriotism is snuffed out.

Now, we have opened our door to the idea of socialism. It will not be long before it has taken hold, and the roots are far to grand to be destroyed.

I can feel the down fall of this once great country. Not just because of the socialistic ideas, but also because no great super power last forever. At some point the power becomes to great, and it all starts to slowly fall apart until it is just another page in a history book. If you do not believe me, look at history. The Egyptian Empire, the Persian Empire, the Greek Empire, and the Roman Empire, none of the once great empires exist anymore because at one point the power became to great. More recently the British Empire, it is no longer what it used to be. Yes, the British Empire is still holding strong, but the words, the British Empire, do not hold the same weight the way they did hundreds of years ago.

I am worried about the future of this country, for the future of its people.

breaking into place.

I have been thinking about doing this for awhile. I have decided to write a post on the meaning of the title breaking into place.

This blog is my awakening into truly living, and a journey into self-realization. By writing I hope to come to understand my crazy thought process. I want to understand who I am. I want to know who Tesia Naomi is. By writing about the events in my life and how I cope and understand them, I hope to be able to comprehend who I truly am. I want to know the meaning behind my thoughts. I want to be able to say,"I am Tesia," and know what that means. I want to search within my soul. I want to meet my inner demons and defeat them. I want to use this blog to help understand myself. I want to use this blog to discover what it is I fear, then conquer those fears. i want to to uncover what makes me tick. I want to know.

I want to use this blog to grow closer to God. To use this blog to call out to Him. I want to use this blog to help me understand my place in the world, in my family, in my life. I want to find my place.

I want to find my place. Finding my place will be hard. Finding my purpose will be difficult. The answers and events that lead to my place will not fall into place. No, it will not be that easy. Finding my true self will be a long tedious journey. The answers and the pieces to the puzzle will be slowly breaking into place. It will take time.

How much time, I do not know. The journey will be all together worth it. The pain that I will endure will be worth it. In the end, I will have learned so much about myself. I will have learned to cling to God for strength.

I am anxious to meet myself. I am anxious to be close to God.

rootless tree.

November. A new month. A new month with new adventures. New failures. New heartaches. New happiness. New experiences. New places. New people. Of course that means a whole bunch of new blog posts!

Lately, I have been struggling with a certain thought process. I feel lost, alone at a table of friends, and forgotten. I feel as though I am stumbling blindly through the darkness. My senses are dull, I can hear the muffled voices of those I call friends. I feel as people see right through me, as if I am transparent. Seeing me, but not noticing me. Alone and wanting so much for someone to reach out and take my hand. To lead me back to reality.

I feel like there is no where I belong. I do not fit in anywhere. i am struggling to find my place in the world. I am a rootless tree, longing to find a place where I can take root. To let my roots take hold and grow. Until I find this peace, I will remain restless and uneasy.

I can not shake these feelings, no matter how hard I try. I am stuck in this rut, and I need to get out! i will make it out. I will find my place in the world. i can do anything with God's help. He has a plan for my life. He is in control. I would not want it any other way.

riley and mr. burton have a cup of tea.

This weekend my younger cousin, Kai, has a tennis tournament, and we have to dog-sit Riley. I love Riley Boy ever so much! He may be the world's laziest dog, but I adore him. He does not bark for anything! A burglar could break in and Riley would sniff his feet then be on his way. Riley will seldom play with anyone. It takes quite a bit to get him all rilled up. He is a rather silly doggie, but i love him. i am excited that he gets to spend the weekend with us.

Halloween is today! Sadly, I have no plans. Hopefully my friend Monique will get back to me with her plans soon. Even if she does, I have no costume. I have an idea but the dress I need is at my mum's house. Curses! Halloween is my favourite holiday and I have nothing to do. Well tomorrow, Emily and I might watch Tim Burton's Sweeney Todd. I am eagerly awaiting that! I adore Mr. Todd. Johnny Depp did a grand job portraying Mr. Todd. And Tim Burton is pure GENIUS! I'm thinking that a trip to Hasting's this evening is in order. I need to pick up Tim Burton's The Nightmare Before Christmas. 'Tis a lovely film. It really grabs my heart. That may be an odd thing to say, but I will say it anyway. Even if I am stuck at home this evening, I will have Mr. Todd and Jack to keep me company.

"you broke the boy in me, but you won't break the man"

Well, I heard from Chilli's today. They will not be able to offer me the position at this time. I will admit that I was very upset when I heard this news. I have been looking for a job for a few months now. Constently getting turned down is quite discuriging. However, I am trying to not let these events put me down. I picked up two applications today after I heard the news from Chilli's. I am determined to find a job. I know God is in control. He will provide. I can not let this bring my spirit down.

In the words of John Parr, "You broke the boy in me but you won't break the man."





On a side note, the lyric quoted is from "St. Elmo's Fire" by John Parr. 'Tis a grand song, give it a listen.

livin' on a prayer.

"She says we got to hold on to what we got,
It doesn't make a difference if we make it or not.
We got each other and that's alot,
For love we'll give it a shot.

Oh, We're half way there
Oh oh, livin' on a prayer
Take my hand we'll make it I swear!
Oh oh, livin' on a prayer"

- Bon Jovi

This song has been on my mind for about the past week. The small section that I have typed above holds quite a bit of meaning for me. I feel like this is how I want to live each day of my life. I want to "hold on to what we got;" I want to be happy "if we make it or not." Because, "for love I'll give it a shot!" I want to live on a prayer. I want to put all my trust in that prayer and live for love. I know I can live on a prayer, because I know who hears my prayer. God hears my prayer, and His love is so much deeper then the love any human could ever give me. "Take my hand, we'll make it I swear," when I hear that line, I picture God saying that to me. Although, I wonder if it would sound more like this, "take my hand we'll make it, I promise."

I want to live on a prayer. I want to put all my heart and soul into that prayer. I want to live happily "If we make it or not." I want to find someone to live on a prayer with. In my life I want to "hold on to what we got." I want to be satisfied with the life I live on this earth, no matter how brief a time it may be.

And, I challenge YOU. I challenge you to live on a prayer. I challenge you to put all your trust in the God who hears that prayer. I challenge you to hold on to what you got. I challenge you to be satisfied in your life. I challenge you.

killing loneliness.

"Killing Loneliness"

Memories, sharp as daggers
Pierce into the flesh of today
Suicide of love took away all that matters
And buried the remains in an unmarked grave in your heart

With the venomous kiss you gave me
I'm killing loneliness (Killing loneliness)
With the warmth of your arms you saved me,
Oh, I'm killing loneliness with you
The killing loneliness that turned my heart into a tomb
I'm killing loneliness

Nailed to a cross, together
As solitude begs us to stay
Disappear in the lie, forever
And denounce the power of death over our souls as secret words are said to start a war

With the venomous kiss you gave me
I'm killing loneliness (Killing loneliness)
With the warmth of your arms you saved me,
Oh, I'm killing loneliness with you
The killing loneliness that turned my heart into a tomb
I'm killing loneliness

I'm killing loneliness
With the venomous kiss you gave me
I'm killing loneliness (Killing loneliness)
With the warmth of your arms you saved me
Oh, I'm killing loneliness with you
The killing loneliness that turned my heart into a tombI'm killing loneliness

I'm killing loneliness with you
I'm killing loneliness with you
Killing loneliness with you
Killing loneliness with you
Killing loneliness
Killing loneliness

- HIM


This is truely an amazing song. I had forgotten how much I adored this song. Moves me to tears everytime.

a small moment.

Aw, today was a grand day! Slept in 'til about 11:30am, watched Without a Trace while eating cereal, and then I greeted the world. I headed out to look for a job, which is not my favourite thing to do. I applied at Chilli's to be a hostess, and while I was there conversed with one of the managers. On Tuesday, I have to go in to take an assessment test. Ah, I am very nervous about that test. However, I think I may have a chance with Chilli's. I sure hope I get the job!

After leaving Chilli's, I headed downtown to the Coffee Pot. I ordered my usual boring drink, a vanilla latte. One of these days I will order something different. I need to branch out and try something new. Walking back to my car, I have to cross the street. On the other side of the road, a man was also waiting to cross. I find it rather neat, how I may not know him at all, but at that moment we shared the same objective. When it was safe, we both ventured to the opposite side, as we passed each other, we exchanged a friendly little smile. In that small moment, I felt like we were connected on a minute level. We live completely separate lives, but for a single moment, our objective was the same. Maybe I am crazy for thinking so much of a small experience. If I am crazy, then I do not wish to be "sane."

Once I returned to my car, I headed to Playscape. The lovely fall weather we are having made my visit to Playscape quite enjoyable. While there, I drank my coffee that I purchased at the Coffee Pot, and took a few photos. I will upload the photos to my flickr. here is the link: http://flickr.com/photos/die_romantic/

a whirl wind weekend.

Wow! I mean, wow. This past weekend was crazy, fast and extremely fun. My fellow Hill Country graduate, Hanna, came down from Baylor for the weekend. She stayed at my house, which is a recipe for trouble. It was awesome having my partner in crime back in town. She arrived at my house around 7 on Friday. That night we hit up Chili's, Playscape, Sonic, Sewell Park, and lastly Wal-Mart. Playscape is by far the best place ever at night! We ran around, played and made great use of the swings. Although, I would have to say rampaging through Wal-Mart was the highlight of the night. We found a bike horn and randomly set it off around the store. Dancing to African, Irish, Swing, Christmas, and many other types of music was also one of the shenanigans we pulled. The lovely night at Wal-Mart was completed by playing the new Rockband, however, only the drums were still working. After rocking out to Bon Jovi's "Livin' on a Prayer," we called it a night and headed back to my house which was around 1:30am. We did not fall asleep til around 4:00am, that was the way it was the whole weekend. Crazy fun filled days, and sleepless nights. Saturday night or Sunday morning, depending on how you look at it, we went to IHOP. mmmmm. Nothing like eggs, bacon and pancakes at 12:30am. Yes, having Hanna back home was excellent. I can not wait for her to come visit again!

Next time, we will hit up good ol' SIGHTS AND SOUNDS OF CHRISTMAS!!

when things need to be fixed.

Today is a new day, today I thought through some things that have been nagging at my mind. I went to Goodwill and dropped off some clothes, headed to Sonic, bought a half-priced strawberry slushie, then drove to my favorite hang out, Playscape. Being outside in this lovely fall weather really helped clear my head. I walked about Playscape taking photos of the sights that facinated me. I found a nice picnic table and smoked some cigs. There is where I did my thinking.

There are several areas in my life that need fixing. The most important aspect of my life that desperatly needs fixing is my walk with God. I miss feeling close to Him, the way I was when I was younger. I do not know when I started to turn my back on God, but no longer do I want to live like this. All the loniness, sorrow, fear, hopeless, and regret. I no longer want to be a slave to those feelings. All the hurt that I have experienced in my young life, I want God to heal my scares. He is the only one that is capable of healing my broken heart. No boy, drug, alcohol, music, book or friend can fully heal me. Only God can bring me the peace that I so desperatly long for. Only God can silence the screams on my inner demons that tell me I am worthless. Only God can reach down and pluck me out of my darkness. I call out to Him, and I know He hears. I know that with His help alone, can I turn my life around. With His strength alone can I make it through another tragic day. With His love alone can my heart be healed into on piece. Only after God has helped me back on my feet, can I ever be fit to love anyone. From today on, I will with God's love and help turn my life around. I want to be seen as a Child of God, not as a child of the Devil.

I have lived a dishonoring life for far to long. I want my life to be fixed before its to late. I need to be fixed before something horrid happens to me. I want to be a living testimony of the Lord's power.

October 14, 2006

October 14, 2006. Two years ago today. I find it very hard to believe that it has been two years already. So much has happen in those two years, so many smiles, and so many tears were shed. Birthdays, holidays and other celebrations came and went. There were many changes made, but one thing never changed in those two years. No matter how many tears I cried, no matter how hard I prayed, you were never present at any of those celebrations. You may not have been there, but your memory was alive in my heart. You did not attend my high school graduation, nor we were there to celebrate my 18th birthday with me; However, I felt your love in my heart.

Not a day goes by that I do not find myself thinking of you. Much to often, I forget that you have moved on, and I go in search for you to tell you a story that happened that day. I run to the living room expecting to find you watching Wheel of Fortune, but when I get there all I find is an empty room. The loss hits me, and I cry for you again. You were one of the most important people in my life, losing you is the hardest thing I have ever had to cope with. If you knew the ways i have tried to deal with pain, you would be heart broken. I have made many stupid choice these past two years. I make this promise to you now, never again will I try to come to you. I will wait patiently 'till the day comes when we are together again.

Today, Me and Grandma went to visit you. We brought new purple flowers. I think you would like them. I took a few photos of your bed with the new flowers; it does look very nice. I know that you are extremely happy in your new home, and that you still love and care for us. Remember, we love, care, and miss you very much.

Grandpa, I love you. I miss you.

With love your granddaughter,

Tessie

Underdog Alma Mater

Nothing all that exciting has happened today. I am still waiting to hear from CenturyTel about that job. I have a strong feeling I'm not going to get it, but you never know.

Well I went to Wal-Mart to buy groceries. Wal-Mart can be a rather interesting places, however, today I did not pay much attention to the people. Ran into a very rude Mexican family as I was using the self-check out. Other then that, no super awesome experiances at Wal-Mart.

But I do have some grand news! I journeyed to Best Buy and purchased Forever The Sickest Kids album Underdog Alma Mater. I am listening to it now, and I am fully enjoying it! If you have not heard them, well then...GO LISTEN! Really, they are quite good. While I was at Best Buy, I asked if they sold kits to fix the flash on a camera. Apparently, they do not. Alas, my poor Nikon is still flash-less. May have to venture to a camera shop in Austin.

Oh, about The Truth Project. Well last night I went to the study. Once again, I found it rather dull. Most of the matrial being covered was in Understanding The Times, the series used in my high school sociology class. I am still hoping that it gets better.

the start of something new?

Today is a lovely day to be in Central Texas! The weather outside is just marvelous. Not too hot, not to cold. Just right. If you live in the area, a trip outside would be a capital idea. Even if you just walk to the mailbox, it will be a walk well spent in this lovely weather. Oh, how I wish the wireless internet was set up! If it was, I would be sitting outside typing this post. Alas, I am stuck indoors. Today was a some what productive day. I ventured near Texas State and put up with the college students. I did this because i needed to satisfy the craving I had for a Tripple Cheese Wich from Which Which. If you have not been to Which Wich, i highly recomend it. Well, i went to Which Wich and purchased my Wich. I could not resist the lovely weather, therefore I went out to the pourch and ate my lunch. I was not alone. There was a young college girl and an older man also enjoying the weather. They seemed like neat people though I did not exchange words with them.

After leaving Which Wich, I went to CenturyTel to inquire about a job opening. Apparently I must apply for the job online which i have already done. Hooray! The kind lady working the window at the Costumer Service window told me that the job would be available until tomorrow. Tomorrow I will find out if I have the job then training will begin on the 20th. Oh, I hope I recieve this job! The odds are against me, but you never know. I just might be the type they are looking for.

Yes, today has been a grand day, but the day is not over! Later this evening I will be going to a friend's house for the second video of The Truth Project which is a series on developing a Christian Worldview. I must say the first video was rather dull, but I am told it gets better. Hopefully that is true. Perhaps later I will give a more detailed explaniation of the series.

just starting out...

Well, this is my first blogging experiance. The reason I made this blog is to share my adventures through photos. My daily adventures can be quite "normal" or "ordinary," but I like to think that the mundane can be extraordinary. So very often people go through the motions of life without stoping to truely live. Through my little blog I will try and reach out to people that have fallen asleep in life. I want to wake everyone up! That way people can truely live. Now, I know that telling of my adventures is hardly anything, but if even a few people read this and feel moved in some way, then I will feel as though I have made some sort of small difference.

I will try to make updates frequently. The photo in this post was taken at Sewell Park under one of the bridges that cross the SM river.