its funny.

How easily we fall back into things. How that door that has been closed for months now always seems to be cracked open again and again. What are we doing? I'm unsure, but I do enjoy this game we play. Perhaps it will lead somewhere...perhaps..one day...

Its rather exciting. Its rather scary. Its rather...dangerous. And I love every moment of it.

Paper Heart and Love and Mushy Stuff.

Today, I watched Paper Heart. It was a cute movie and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I liked listening to all the people's stories about their loves. It was interesting to hear all the different takes on love. What it is, how you know its real and all that mushy stuff. They all mentioned some sort of realization point. Some described it as a spark or lightening bolt. (What's with love and electricity? Hm, peculiar.) I think of my realization point more like running face first into a glass door. You don't know its there until it hits you in the face...really hard. Love is an odd thing. I do not fully understand it and I do not think I ever will which is just fine with me. Some things are not meant to be understood.

"You're a part time lover and a full time friend."

- The Moldy Peaches

^ That is how I think of my love.

The Darkness.

The darkness consumed her. She opened her eyes, nothing. She closes them again, and waits a few moments. Opens her eyes, nothing. Why is it so dark? She walks forward with her hands held out in front of her. So much darkness around her, she can feel it. As though the darkness had form to it, how can that be? Blindly she stumbles through the foreboding darkness that surrounds and intrudes her. This feeling, could the darkness be penetrating her body? She gasps for air, but none will enter her lungs. Falling to the ground, she coughs and wheezes in feeble attempts to force air into her lungs. She looks anxiously around for someone to help her. All she can see is that disgusting darkness mocking her. The sounds of laughter creep into her ears. Haunting eerie laughter. She shudders and tries to cover her ears with her hands, but her arms are heavy. No matter how hard she tries, she can not lift them off the ground. Tears start to roll down her face, is this the end?

"It can not be," she gasps, "I am too young.."

The darkness grows, moves, and takes shape. Thousands of black Shadows dance around her, through her. She screams, but makes no sound. The only sound that can be heard is the chilling laughter of the Shadows as they dance wickedly about her.

"Why? Why is this happening?" She sobs, and pleads with the Shadows. "Please, help me! I just want to go home."

"Silly, stupid girl! You should not be surprised by our presence." The voices of the Shadows screech and hiss taunting the poor creature. "Pathetic girl, you brought this fate upon yourself! You were told there would be consequences for your foolish actions. Luckily for us you did not heed the warnings!"

The Shadows swirl around her japing at her with long claws. She tries to scream but alas no sound is able to escape her lips. Moving, twisting, tearing, destroying. Chaos. The Shadows consume the girl. Ripping her apart limb by limb. Devouring every piece of flesh until nothing of that poor girl remains.

Silence.

swirling, twirling

I feel its time to dismantle. To begin anew.

"Leave those bad ideas in your troubled head."

Oh, and I am thoroughly excited about my Toms shoes and Alice in Wonderland tonight.

there was so little left to give.

I may not have much, but what I have I'll give to you.

Warm days. I'm so ready for Spring. Even more ready for Summer.

Sunshine, won't you be my lover.

I'm so scatter brained.

flickr.

When did life get so complicated?

Precious and fragile things.

"Precious and fragile things
Need special handling
My God what have we done to You?

We always try to share
The tenderest of care
Now look what we have put You through...

Things get damaged
Things get broken
I thought we'd manage
But words left unspoken
Left us so brittle
There was so little left to give

Angels with silver wings
Shouldn't know suffering
I wish I could take the pain for You

If God has a master plan
That only He understands
I hope it's Your eyes He's seeing through

Things get damaged
Things get broken
I thought we'd manage
But words left unspoken
Left us so brittle
There was so little left to give

I pray You learn to trust
Have faith in both of us
And keep room in Your heart for two

Things get damaged
Things get broken
I thought we'd manage
But words left unspoken
Left us so brittle
There was so little left to give"

"Precious" - Depeche Mode

I feel as though this song was written for me, and other children like me. Children that had to go through divorce, especially at a young age. There is a sense of innocence to the song as though it is meant to explain the harsh reality of the world to those too young to fully understand the sad truths.

I wish someone had tried to explain those things to me, or at least I wish I could remember someone taking the time to try. Everything surrounding my parents divorce has long since abandoned my mind. I remember nothing from the years before or immediately after.

Thankful.

Today is Thanksgiving. In light of the holiday, I have decided to make a list of all the people and things I am thankful for. Here it goes...

My family. Even though there are times we drive each other crazy, I love every one of you very much. My parents and I hardly ever see eye to eye but we manage. We've had our share of arguments but they have done so so so much for me during my life. I am thankful for my Grandma Mary Lou for giving me a place to live for the past two years. My cousin Ashley for being there for me through out the years. She is not just my cousin; she is my sister.

My friends. Katherine, she has been there since day one, and I can always count on her. Hanna, she is my other half. No one can even compare to her awesomeness, and she is stronger then anyone I know. Amanda, she means so much to me, and I do not know what I'd have done without her.

Mister. I'm far too embarrassed to put your real name. Though I'm sure its no secret who you are. I am so very grateful to know you. No matter what stupid thing I do, you are always there to listen to me. Honestly, I do not know what I would do or what would have happened to me without you. You are a great friend. I love you.

My health. I am thankful to be healthy. Despite allergies and asthma, I am healthy as a horse. Woo!

My house. Thank you again Grandma for allowing me to live here, eat your food, and use your utilities...all for free! It really means a lot to me.

My Hubert. That wonderful little red '92 Toyota Corolla has gotten me from point A to point B for the past year and he continues to run well. Despite all the hardships I have put him through.

My Bartholomew. He may have only been around for a few months, but he was a grand little hamster. I loved him very much, and I'm sad he is gone now. Rest in peace little guy.

My job. Zumiez! I am thankful for having an amazing job that I love a lot. The people I work with are amazing, and my managers are rad to the max. Couldn't ask for a better job.

My Nikon. He is a grand camera. I enjoy having him around very much. Thanks Papa for buying him for me. The Nikon has given me great joy over the years.

My education. Thanks mom for putting me through private school. First at The Master's School then at Hill Country, I am very grateful for it. You may have been hard on me, but I know you had your reasons. And it has paid off, even though I am not in college now. I'm sorry, I know it drives you crazy. Heehee.

The Beatles. Their music has gotten me through some of the hardest experiences in my life.

Fidel Gutierrez Silguero. I love you so much. All through my life you taught me so many things. From how to check the oil in a car to how to care for family and friends. You are the strongest person I know. Watching you fight the battle against cancer was the hardest thing for me to do. Knowing there was nothing I could do to help you. The cancer may have destroyed your body, but you never let it break your spirit. I miss you. Its been hard these past few years. But I know you are no longer suffering. I am so thankful to call you, Grandpa.

the song in my head.

"And this is what she sang...

It's not like I'm a slut

Or that I really like to fuck

I just want every boy I see

To walk away with part of me.

Until there's nothing left to hold

Until there's nothing left to hate

I appreciate your help

But even you can't save me from myself."

- "Japanese Gum" by: Her Space Holiday

November.

Wow, its been a while since I've written. A lot has happened in the past month. I do not feel like recapping everything that has happened.

I have so many emotions going through me. Love, angry, hope, sorrow, loneliness, happiness, bitterness, and then a nice big helping of confusion to top it all off. It seems that everything has changed into something different, and yet everything is still exactly the the same as it was. Every day is a new adventure but feels the same as the last. Same place, same people, same conversations. Same ideas, same dreams, same fears.

This place that I am at is different then were I was a few months ago, but I find myself pondering over the same questions. The answers I have not yet found. And I am making the same mistakes I have made in the past. I do not want to keep repeating history. Though moving on into some unknown territory altogether frightens me. To go somewhere I have never been, to face the obstacles that will come, I wonder if I will be able to make the right decisions.

Joan Jett.

"I dont give a damn bout my reputation
Youre living in the past its a new generation
A girl can do what she wants to do and thats
What Im gonna do
An I dont give a damn bout my bad reputation

Oh no not me

An I dont give a damn bout my reputation
Never said I wanted to improve my station
An Im only doin good
When Im havin fun
An I dont have to please no one
An I dont give a damn
bout my bad reputation

Oh no, not me
Oh no, not me

I dont give a damn
bout my reputation
Ive never been afraid of any deviation
An I dont really care
If ya think Im strange
I aint gonna change
An Im never gonna care
bout my bad reputation"

"Bad Reputation" by: Joan Jett

Enough said. This song is rad.

precious.

"Things get damaged, things get broken
I thought we'd manage, but words left unspoken
Left us so brittle
There was so little left to give"

"Precious" by: Depeche Mode

I don't even know what I'm feeling right now. i made a mistake and I just hope it will be fixed.

the long and winding road.

"Many times I've been alone

And many times I've cried

Anyway, you'll never know

The many ways I've tried

And still they lead me back

To the long and winding road

You left me standing here

A long long time ago

Don't leave me waiting here

Lead me to your door

And still they lead me back

To the long and winding road

You left me standing here

A long long time ago

Don't keep me waiting here

Lead me to your door"

- "The Long and Winding Road" by: The Beatles

Please, don't leave me here. Alone. Lead me to your door.

I've been on a Beatles kick these past few days, expect more post with Beatles song quotes.

life rantings.

Sometimes I wonder why we have to go through so much hardships in our lives. I have not had the easiest of lives to lead. Parents divorced by the time I was five, no memories of ever having a real family, dad not wanting to really see me until I was older, and a mom who tried her best to raise me on her own. Growing up, I'd hear the kids talk about events and outings they enjoyed with their parents; I never knew that feeling, I do not remember my parents being together. I am not close to either of them. Even now, I do not know how to be. I find it weird and awkward when my dad tries to be what he considers "fatherly" considering he has not had much practice.

But despite all the things I have gone through in my life, not just the family issues, but also so many other happening that I do not feel comfortable writing about, I am glad I endured them.

I would not be the person I am today if it were not for these events. We has people go through so much shit in out lives, and what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. Sounds cliche I know, but it is true. The choices and events in our life shape who we are. We can either let the bad stuff crush us or we can learn from it. We can feel sorry for ourselves or we can take action and strive to make things better. We can let terrible things control our lives or we take back the wheel work towards something better.

Life's a bitch and shit happens, but don't let that stop you.

Some days, most days.

I feel as though I'm being taken advantage of and used by the one person in my life that I feel I can trust. The thought of cutting my ties with this person has crossed my mind so many times, but I have not been able to bring myself to fully go through with it. This person means too much to me, even though I am almost positive I mean nothing to them.

you.

"You're a part time lover and a full time friend." - The Moldy Peaches

No other words could explain it better.

"I don't see what anyone can see in anyone else but you."

Love Will Tear Us Apart

When the routine bites hard
And ambitions are low
And the resentment rides high
But emotions wont grow
And were changing our ways,
Taking different roads
Then love, love will tear us apart again

Why is the bedroom so cold
Turned away on your side?
Is my timing that flawed,
Our respect run so dry?
Yet theres still this appeal
That weve kept through our lives
Love, love will tear us apart again

Do you cry out in your sleep
All my failings expose?
Get a taste in my mouth
As desperation takes hold
Is it something so good
Just cant function no more?
When love, love will tear us apart again

- Joy Division.

not sure what to call this one.

Life is an adventure. I have been pretty busy this past month. Working, working and squeezing in time for friends. I have not had the time to write or take photos in a long time. I have not updated my flickr since...July. That makes me very sad. Work is slowing down, which is not so grand for my bank account (I plan on looking for a second job, perhaps be a waitress.) Business should pick up again in November. However, during the down time I will have more time for the people and things I love. More time for friends, the Nikon and of course my love James. I am looking forward to being able to take time out of my day to do all the things I have missed. I will have to try to save my money though, easier said than done.

So much has happened in the past month. I do not plan to document all the events that have taken place. I simply had the urge to write and update my wee blog. I feel I have neglected my blog greatly so far this year. For that I am sorry. I started this for myself as a way to document the event in my life and the random little thoughts that flood my mind. Writing more often on this blog is something I will work very hard to accomplish. My hope was to post at least once a week and I am going to try and do just that.

Oh, and on a side note...ONE MORE WEEK UNTIL BEATLES ROCKBAND HITS STORES!!!!

I am very excited about this.

"You say you want a revolution
Well you know
we all want to change the world
You tell me that it's evolution
Well you know
We all want to change the world
But when you talk about destruction
Don't you know that you can count me out
Don't you know it's gonna be alright"

I can not wait. It's going to be amazing.

Prayers for a friend.

This evening I received terrible news about a dear friend of mine. I have known him for quite sometime. I have a few grand childhood memories of him. I have many high school memories with him; we also graduated together. I treasure every memory we share, him and our friend Katherine. The three of us share so many memories. From one of her birthday at the Sunset Bowling Alley (I can't remember if it was her 6th or 7th) to the cruise we went on several years ago. And of course our years spent in high school. The news came as a shock but some how I had this fear and dread that I would one day have it delivered to me.

From Katherine via text message: Hey guys. Today Tim Wilhelm dove into the river and hit his head. He is in the emergency surgery right now. He broke his skull and has bleeding on the brain and he broke his neck. So please send a prayer up for him! Please. He has been in surgery for 4 hours now...

I read this over and over. Trying to take it in. It was a huge shock and yet I always had a feeling in the pit of my stomach that one day I would hear something like this. Tim was diagnosed as an epileptic. This may have had an effect on this terrible accident. I do not know all the details so I am unsure as to what all happened. All I know is that one of my dear friends that I love is badly, badly hurt and is in need of prayer. This is in God's hands, only He has the power to heal Timmy. I pray that Timmy will be brought through this and will be the same Timmy that I and so many others know and love. My heart is breaking in my chest for him and his family. I pray that they feel God's love and peace surround them. He will bring them through this horrid experience.

Please, whoever may be reading this, please pray for my friend. Please pray that he will make it through this. Please pray for the doctors. Please send Timmy and his family and friends prayers and good thoughts.

Update: I just got word that he is out of surgery, but they will not know if he has brain damage or is paralyzed until he wakes up. Please continue to pray for him.

Another Lonely Friday.

Well I'm sitting on my bed listening to the Nylon Summer Playlist. It is amazing by the way. No plans for today, laundry got in the way. It happens, oh well. Well I do have some exciting news! I have a job! The interview last Sunday went swimmingly. I start work at Zumiez on August 2nd. I am so very excited to have a real awesome job. Everyone there are splendid and major bad asses, mhm. I'm looking foreword to my first day with nervous anticipation. It will be really exciting and it will push me out of my comfort zone. It will be a grand experience indeed.

Since I have nothing to do tonight, I shall watch The Lost Boys. I have never seen this film but I have wanted to for a long time and I have heard that it is excellent. I shall write about if I like it or not. I am sure I will love it though.