Wednesday, November 12, 2008

down the rabbit whole.

I have been feeling the creative juices flow through my body. The Cranberries cover of "Kiss Me" is playing on my iTunes. I experienced an urge to write as the first notes of the song crept into my ears. I'm entirely unsure at this point what it is I am feeling. I feel warm, cold, lost, afraid, loved, wanted, forgotten, weary, longing, wanting, needing, and completely unsure of my life.

I am listening to Damien Rice on iTunes now.

My life is spiralling around me, yet time seems to be moving slowly. I feel the pressure of registering for college classes, though I am unsure about future schooling. I am growing increasingly discourage. Try as I might I still have not found a job. Recently, I was in a car accident. At times, I feel like my best friend is replacing me and that I am growing farther part with my dearest friends. I am all together scared to open my heart to anyone, especially the one I want to be loved by. I am worried if I let anyone come close, let them know my inner secrets that they will be disgusted by what they find. I fear that I am unworthy of human love. I fear that I am a complete failure. I have let so many people down. I have lost anyone I have loved completely, or thought I loved. People have said they would never leave, but they do. I know I can not put all my trust into people. Only God can truly satisfy me. But then, why do I not feel like He does? I have tried to fully give myself to Him, yet again and again I fail Him. He has yet to answer my one prayer. Perhaps, He has and it "no," and I just refuse to accept it as fact. I find it increasingly difficult to live each day when everywhere I look I see the evils and sorrows of this world.

I fear most of all that I do not know how to love. I have never seen first hand love. My parents do not love each other. I have seen other parents in love, and I wonder, "Why were my parents not like that? Why did God let them hate each other?" I do not understand. How could God allow two people who are supposed to be in love, hate each other. It does not make sense. I wish someone could explain this to me. I know no one will be able to.

I have this whole in my heart. No matter what I try to fill it with it, it keeps on growing. I fear eventually it will consume me. I fear that one day, my fears will destroy me. I want all my fears, sorrows, pain, and hurts to go away and be healed. People have tried to help me, but nothing seems to be working. I try to pray, but every time I end up mad at God and crying myself to sleep. Nothing seems to work.

The more I think about ways to fix myself, the more I think about my problems, and the hurt grows more. I do not know what to do anymore. Perhaps, there is nothing I or any other human can do. Perhaps, I am beyond fixing, because maybe I do not want to be fixed.

I have gone down the rabbit whole, and I do believe there is no turning back.

But that does not mean I do not want someone to try to pull me out. Someone to pull me out of the pit that I dug myself. I hope the person who is able to pull me out comes soon. I am tried of being alone. I am tired of being alone in the dark.

Help me crawl out.

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