Some days, most days.

I feel as though I'm being taken advantage of and used by the one person in my life that I feel I can trust. The thought of cutting my ties with this person has crossed my mind so many times, but I have not been able to bring myself to fully go through with it. This person means too much to me, even though I am almost positive I mean nothing to them.

its time to say goodbye again.

Today was a beautiful day. It saddened me that I had to spend most of it indoors babysitting. But I was happy. Listened to Old Music that I grew up on that I had almost forgotten about. Danced around, I found out that I can really shake my ass. >__<

Then..I came home. And I am sad. My great uncle Frutoso passed away in the early afternoon. He was my Grandpa's older brother. Frutoso may have lived far from me, but after my Grandpa died, I thought of Frutoso as a Grandpa. I am sad that I never told him that. I am sad that the last time I saw him was about a year ago. I am sad that I will never seen that crazy old man in a wheelchair ever again. But...I am happy he is in Heaven. I am happy that he is no longer in and out of hospitals. I am happy he is no longer in pain. I am extremely happy that Frutoso and my grandpa Fidel are reunited again. I am happy that they are happy.

I am never good at these things. The funeral will be on Sunday and Monday. I do not want to go. I do not want my last memory of Frutoso to be of his empty shell of a body lying in a box waiting to be thrown in the ground to wrought. I believe that is not the way he would want to be remembered. I want to remember him as the happy man he was. He never once complained about the pain he was in. He and Grandpa were both strong men. Both never let anything break their spirits. They both always fought their battles with all they had. Frutoso with his diabetes; Grandpa with his cancer. 

I will never forget either of them. I will always love them. One day, I will see them again. 

Rantings.

What happens if you live like there is no tomorrow? Say everything you ever wanted to without worrying about the outcome. Love like you had nothing left to lose, and all that mattered in the world was the love you shared with someone special. Would it be so hard to throw all our worries to the wind? To just live without a care in our minds? To know that everyday is a new beginning, and the problems of the day before stayed in yesterday. The only things that matter are what is in Today. Not to dwell on the stories that Yesterday hangs on to, and not to worry about the mysteries that Tomorrow keeps hidden. Why must we constantly brood over the unknown and the past we can not change, or the circumstance we have no control over? If we all just took the time to take in the day and to live life to the fullest each day, would that really be a horrid thing? 

Now, I'm not saying to live without responsibility. But we should live without regret for things that made us happy at the time. Everything we have done had a purpose and at that time in our life it was all we ever wanted and could hope to have. Why would you regret something that made you feel complete, even if for all the wrong reasons. For a small moment it made you feel...something. To feel something, good or bad, is infinitely better then being void of emotion and being numb and cold to the world. Everyone is entitled to Live, that is our basic Human Right. Why should anyone deny a Human the right to Live. 

We must not cheapen this precious gift. By worrying and brooding for the terrible past or what could have been. We need to learn to forgive and forget. It is hard to forgive another human but is equally difficult, if not more so, to forgive ourselves. But we can not move forward in our lives without learning to Forgive. A human can not hope to live a happy life knowing that forgiveness is due in some area of his life. 

Again, I am NOT saying live without responsibility. Every Human is responsible for his own actions, words, and thoughts. You must take and treat that responsibility with respect. Everyone is Human, therefore everyone deserves respect just as you yourself deserves respect. If everyone was given the respect they deserve...oh how we could change the world! If everyone was treated like the Human Being that they are, I know the world would change for the better. If everyone could just let go of the past, of some one's failures, and just realize we are all Imperfect Humans, the change we would bring about is beyond what I can imagine. The hope we would have as a Species is immense.

Sadly, I know that none of this is completely possible. Because of the simple fact that we ARE Imperfect Humans.

what a surprise...

I'm doing it to myself again. I'm becoming depressed for no good reason. Just because I'm feeling a little lonely is no reason to act like my world is falling apart. I have tried so hard to not let this happen again. But, what a surprise! Its happening again.

I do not know what to write anymore. Thus, I shall end this post now. I have no motivation today.

down the rabbit whole.

I have been feeling the creative juices flow through my body. The Cranberries cover of "Kiss Me" is playing on my iTunes. I experienced an urge to write as the first notes of the song crept into my ears. I'm entirely unsure at this point what it is I am feeling. I feel warm, cold, lost, afraid, loved, wanted, forgotten, weary, longing, wanting, needing, and completely unsure of my life.

I am listening to Damien Rice on iTunes now.

My life is spiralling around me, yet time seems to be moving slowly. I feel the pressure of registering for college classes, though I am unsure about future schooling. I am growing increasingly discourage. Try as I might I still have not found a job. Recently, I was in a car accident. At times, I feel like my best friend is replacing me and that I am growing farther part with my dearest friends. I am all together scared to open my heart to anyone, especially the one I want to be loved by. I am worried if I let anyone come close, let them know my inner secrets that they will be disgusted by what they find. I fear that I am unworthy of human love. I fear that I am a complete failure. I have let so many people down. I have lost anyone I have loved completely, or thought I loved. People have said they would never leave, but they do. I know I can not put all my trust into people. Only God can truly satisfy me. But then, why do I not feel like He does? I have tried to fully give myself to Him, yet again and again I fail Him. He has yet to answer my one prayer. Perhaps, He has and it "no," and I just refuse to accept it as fact. I find it increasingly difficult to live each day when everywhere I look I see the evils and sorrows of this world.

I fear most of all that I do not know how to love. I have never seen first hand love. My parents do not love each other. I have seen other parents in love, and I wonder, "Why were my parents not like that? Why did God let them hate each other?" I do not understand. How could God allow two people who are supposed to be in love, hate each other. It does not make sense. I wish someone could explain this to me. I know no one will be able to.

I have this whole in my heart. No matter what I try to fill it with it, it keeps on growing. I fear eventually it will consume me. I fear that one day, my fears will destroy me. I want all my fears, sorrows, pain, and hurts to go away and be healed. People have tried to help me, but nothing seems to be working. I try to pray, but every time I end up mad at God and crying myself to sleep. Nothing seems to work.

The more I think about ways to fix myself, the more I think about my problems, and the hurt grows more. I do not know what to do anymore. Perhaps, there is nothing I or any other human can do. Perhaps, I am beyond fixing, because maybe I do not want to be fixed.

I have gone down the rabbit whole, and I do believe there is no turning back.

But that does not mean I do not want someone to try to pull me out. Someone to pull me out of the pit that I dug myself. I hope the person who is able to pull me out comes soon. I am tried of being alone. I am tired of being alone in the dark.

Help me crawl out.

when things need to be fixed.

Today is a new day, today I thought through some things that have been nagging at my mind. I went to Goodwill and dropped off some clothes, headed to Sonic, bought a half-priced strawberry slushie, then drove to my favorite hang out, Playscape. Being outside in this lovely fall weather really helped clear my head. I walked about Playscape taking photos of the sights that facinated me. I found a nice picnic table and smoked some cigs. There is where I did my thinking.

There are several areas in my life that need fixing. The most important aspect of my life that desperatly needs fixing is my walk with God. I miss feeling close to Him, the way I was when I was younger. I do not know when I started to turn my back on God, but no longer do I want to live like this. All the loniness, sorrow, fear, hopeless, and regret. I no longer want to be a slave to those feelings. All the hurt that I have experienced in my young life, I want God to heal my scares. He is the only one that is capable of healing my broken heart. No boy, drug, alcohol, music, book or friend can fully heal me. Only God can bring me the peace that I so desperatly long for. Only God can silence the screams on my inner demons that tell me I am worthless. Only God can reach down and pluck me out of my darkness. I call out to Him, and I know He hears. I know that with His help alone, can I turn my life around. With His strength alone can I make it through another tragic day. With His love alone can my heart be healed into on piece. Only after God has helped me back on my feet, can I ever be fit to love anyone. From today on, I will with God's love and help turn my life around. I want to be seen as a Child of God, not as a child of the Devil.

I have lived a dishonoring life for far to long. I want my life to be fixed before its to late. I need to be fixed before something horrid happens to me. I want to be a living testimony of the Lord's power.