its funny.

How easily we fall back into things. How that door that has been closed for months now always seems to be cracked open again and again. What are we doing? I'm unsure, but I do enjoy this game we play. Perhaps it will lead somewhere...perhaps..one day...

Its rather exciting. Its rather scary. Its rather...dangerous. And I love every moment of it.

Paper Heart and Love and Mushy Stuff.

Today, I watched Paper Heart. It was a cute movie and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I liked listening to all the people's stories about their loves. It was interesting to hear all the different takes on love. What it is, how you know its real and all that mushy stuff. They all mentioned some sort of realization point. Some described it as a spark or lightening bolt. (What's with love and electricity? Hm, peculiar.) I think of my realization point more like running face first into a glass door. You don't know its there until it hits you in the face...really hard. Love is an odd thing. I do not fully understand it and I do not think I ever will which is just fine with me. Some things are not meant to be understood.

"You're a part time lover and a full time friend."

- The Moldy Peaches

^ That is how I think of my love.

there was so little left to give.

I may not have much, but what I have I'll give to you.

Warm days. I'm so ready for Spring. Even more ready for Summer.

Sunshine, won't you be my lover.

I'm so scatter brained.

flickr.

Thankful.

Today is Thanksgiving. In light of the holiday, I have decided to make a list of all the people and things I am thankful for. Here it goes...

My family. Even though there are times we drive each other crazy, I love every one of you very much. My parents and I hardly ever see eye to eye but we manage. We've had our share of arguments but they have done so so so much for me during my life. I am thankful for my Grandma Mary Lou for giving me a place to live for the past two years. My cousin Ashley for being there for me through out the years. She is not just my cousin; she is my sister.

My friends. Katherine, she has been there since day one, and I can always count on her. Hanna, she is my other half. No one can even compare to her awesomeness, and she is stronger then anyone I know. Amanda, she means so much to me, and I do not know what I'd have done without her.

Mister. I'm far too embarrassed to put your real name. Though I'm sure its no secret who you are. I am so very grateful to know you. No matter what stupid thing I do, you are always there to listen to me. Honestly, I do not know what I would do or what would have happened to me without you. You are a great friend. I love you.

My health. I am thankful to be healthy. Despite allergies and asthma, I am healthy as a horse. Woo!

My house. Thank you again Grandma for allowing me to live here, eat your food, and use your utilities...all for free! It really means a lot to me.

My Hubert. That wonderful little red '92 Toyota Corolla has gotten me from point A to point B for the past year and he continues to run well. Despite all the hardships I have put him through.

My Bartholomew. He may have only been around for a few months, but he was a grand little hamster. I loved him very much, and I'm sad he is gone now. Rest in peace little guy.

My job. Zumiez! I am thankful for having an amazing job that I love a lot. The people I work with are amazing, and my managers are rad to the max. Couldn't ask for a better job.

My Nikon. He is a grand camera. I enjoy having him around very much. Thanks Papa for buying him for me. The Nikon has given me great joy over the years.

My education. Thanks mom for putting me through private school. First at The Master's School then at Hill Country, I am very grateful for it. You may have been hard on me, but I know you had your reasons. And it has paid off, even though I am not in college now. I'm sorry, I know it drives you crazy. Heehee.

The Beatles. Their music has gotten me through some of the hardest experiences in my life.

Fidel Gutierrez Silguero. I love you so much. All through my life you taught me so many things. From how to check the oil in a car to how to care for family and friends. You are the strongest person I know. Watching you fight the battle against cancer was the hardest thing for me to do. Knowing there was nothing I could do to help you. The cancer may have destroyed your body, but you never let it break your spirit. I miss you. Its been hard these past few years. But I know you are no longer suffering. I am so thankful to call you, Grandpa.

November.

Wow, its been a while since I've written. A lot has happened in the past month. I do not feel like recapping everything that has happened.

I have so many emotions going through me. Love, angry, hope, sorrow, loneliness, happiness, bitterness, and then a nice big helping of confusion to top it all off. It seems that everything has changed into something different, and yet everything is still exactly the the same as it was. Every day is a new adventure but feels the same as the last. Same place, same people, same conversations. Same ideas, same dreams, same fears.

This place that I am at is different then were I was a few months ago, but I find myself pondering over the same questions. The answers I have not yet found. And I am making the same mistakes I have made in the past. I do not want to keep repeating history. Though moving on into some unknown territory altogether frightens me. To go somewhere I have never been, to face the obstacles that will come, I wonder if I will be able to make the right decisions.

Joan Jett.

"I dont give a damn bout my reputation
Youre living in the past its a new generation
A girl can do what she wants to do and thats
What Im gonna do
An I dont give a damn bout my bad reputation

Oh no not me

An I dont give a damn bout my reputation
Never said I wanted to improve my station
An Im only doin good
When Im havin fun
An I dont have to please no one
An I dont give a damn
bout my bad reputation

Oh no, not me
Oh no, not me

I dont give a damn
bout my reputation
Ive never been afraid of any deviation
An I dont really care
If ya think Im strange
I aint gonna change
An Im never gonna care
bout my bad reputation"

"Bad Reputation" by: Joan Jett

Enough said. This song is rad.

life rantings.

Sometimes I wonder why we have to go through so much hardships in our lives. I have not had the easiest of lives to lead. Parents divorced by the time I was five, no memories of ever having a real family, dad not wanting to really see me until I was older, and a mom who tried her best to raise me on her own. Growing up, I'd hear the kids talk about events and outings they enjoyed with their parents; I never knew that feeling, I do not remember my parents being together. I am not close to either of them. Even now, I do not know how to be. I find it weird and awkward when my dad tries to be what he considers "fatherly" considering he has not had much practice.

But despite all the things I have gone through in my life, not just the family issues, but also so many other happening that I do not feel comfortable writing about, I am glad I endured them.

I would not be the person I am today if it were not for these events. We has people go through so much shit in out lives, and what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. Sounds cliche I know, but it is true. The choices and events in our life shape who we are. We can either let the bad stuff crush us or we can learn from it. We can feel sorry for ourselves or we can take action and strive to make things better. We can let terrible things control our lives or we take back the wheel work towards something better.

Life's a bitch and shit happens, but don't let that stop you.

you.

"You're a part time lover and a full time friend." - The Moldy Peaches

No other words could explain it better.

"I don't see what anyone can see in anyone else but you."

not sure what to call this one.

Life is an adventure. I have been pretty busy this past month. Working, working and squeezing in time for friends. I have not had the time to write or take photos in a long time. I have not updated my flickr since...July. That makes me very sad. Work is slowing down, which is not so grand for my bank account (I plan on looking for a second job, perhaps be a waitress.) Business should pick up again in November. However, during the down time I will have more time for the people and things I love. More time for friends, the Nikon and of course my love James. I am looking forward to being able to take time out of my day to do all the things I have missed. I will have to try to save my money though, easier said than done.

So much has happened in the past month. I do not plan to document all the events that have taken place. I simply had the urge to write and update my wee blog. I feel I have neglected my blog greatly so far this year. For that I am sorry. I started this for myself as a way to document the event in my life and the random little thoughts that flood my mind. Writing more often on this blog is something I will work very hard to accomplish. My hope was to post at least once a week and I am going to try and do just that.

Oh, and on a side note...ONE MORE WEEK UNTIL BEATLES ROCKBAND HITS STORES!!!!

I am very excited about this.

"You say you want a revolution
Well you know
we all want to change the world
You tell me that it's evolution
Well you know
We all want to change the world
But when you talk about destruction
Don't you know that you can count me out
Don't you know it's gonna be alright"

I can not wait. It's going to be amazing.

Prayers for a friend.

This evening I received terrible news about a dear friend of mine. I have known him for quite sometime. I have a few grand childhood memories of him. I have many high school memories with him; we also graduated together. I treasure every memory we share, him and our friend Katherine. The three of us share so many memories. From one of her birthday at the Sunset Bowling Alley (I can't remember if it was her 6th or 7th) to the cruise we went on several years ago. And of course our years spent in high school. The news came as a shock but some how I had this fear and dread that I would one day have it delivered to me.

From Katherine via text message: Hey guys. Today Tim Wilhelm dove into the river and hit his head. He is in the emergency surgery right now. He broke his skull and has bleeding on the brain and he broke his neck. So please send a prayer up for him! Please. He has been in surgery for 4 hours now...

I read this over and over. Trying to take it in. It was a huge shock and yet I always had a feeling in the pit of my stomach that one day I would hear something like this. Tim was diagnosed as an epileptic. This may have had an effect on this terrible accident. I do not know all the details so I am unsure as to what all happened. All I know is that one of my dear friends that I love is badly, badly hurt and is in need of prayer. This is in God's hands, only He has the power to heal Timmy. I pray that Timmy will be brought through this and will be the same Timmy that I and so many others know and love. My heart is breaking in my chest for him and his family. I pray that they feel God's love and peace surround them. He will bring them through this horrid experience.

Please, whoever may be reading this, please pray for my friend. Please pray that he will make it through this. Please pray for the doctors. Please send Timmy and his family and friends prayers and good thoughts.

Update: I just got word that he is out of surgery, but they will not know if he has brain damage or is paralyzed until he wakes up. Please continue to pray for him.

Another Lonely Friday.

Well I'm sitting on my bed listening to the Nylon Summer Playlist. It is amazing by the way. No plans for today, laundry got in the way. It happens, oh well. Well I do have some exciting news! I have a job! The interview last Sunday went swimmingly. I start work at Zumiez on August 2nd. I am so very excited to have a real awesome job. Everyone there are splendid and major bad asses, mhm. I'm looking foreword to my first day with nervous anticipation. It will be really exciting and it will push me out of my comfort zone. It will be a grand experience indeed.

Since I have nothing to do tonight, I shall watch The Lost Boys. I have never seen this film but I have wanted to for a long time and I have heard that it is excellent. I shall write about if I like it or not. I am sure I will love it though.

Good day.

HELLO!! I am simply happy today. This has been an amazing weekend. I will not even begin to try and explain how lovely I am feeling. I have an amazing family, even though they annoy me at times. I have a roof over my head. A very nice roof at that, heh. I have the most amazing boyfriend in the whole wide world. I love him so much. And my God is good. So very good. He has blessed me in so many ways, and I am eternally grateful. I have an interview this evening at a store at the outlet mall, called Zumiez. I am extremely nervous about it. But I am trusting God, and I pray that I get this job.

Life is good.

Greetings from Harlingen.

Hello people of the Internet! I hope everyone is have a grand weekend and an equally grand summer full of exciting adventures.

At the moment, I am visiting my aunt Susan in Harlingen. Most of my cousins are also down here. It has been nice to get away, to roam around a different city then my own. I was hoping that we would be able to venture to the beach during my visit, but it seems that will not be happening. Oh, well. Though it was been quite relaxing. Swimming their pool, playing Rockband, and watching my younger cousins play Halo 3. Yes, it has been rather refreshing to be able to get away from good old San Marcos for a few days. I do love have been able to take this mini-vacation!

I wish I was able to stay here longer, but Life is busy and I must return to everyday adventures soon. It will be slightly difficult to get back into the old routine, but I do have little endeavours planned for the up coming week. As I stated in my last post, I am very determined to find a job. I have high goals for this summer and I plan on achieving them.

I do hope everyone is having a wonderful summer thus far.

Hello, July.

It is a new month. Which brings new adventures, new experiences, new mistakes, new lessons and all sorts of new memories to be made some good and some bad. I am all together excited to see what the month of July holds for me. Will it bring a job? Will I finally get everything done for school? And I am so anxious to see how my relationship with James will grow, I fall deeper in love with him each day. He really is such a blessing. I thank God for bringing him into my life.

Also, I have decided a few things. I am really going to take action, buckle down, and get some things taken care of. I am going to start eating healthier and shed some of these fatty pounds. I am going to work my butt off to find a job that pays better then babysitting (60 bucks a week, some times a bit more.) I need to get a job and start saving for an apartment. I will get out of this house by the end of the year. And with some determination and hard work, I know I can do it! I will do it. I have to. My sanity is at risk.

I welcome July with open arms and an open mind. I will embrace this month. I will work towards making my dreams come true. It starts now.

Today,

I feel like, "a old-fashioned loved song." Indeed, not sure how to explain this. I just feel free, light and at peace. Though Life is on the crazy side. Money is sparse. I have just enough to get buy. (food, gas, and some to play with.) I need a real job; I want to move out by the early fall. I am hoping to do that. I need to get my paperwork done for school.

But despite everything I need to do and everything I want to do. I am at peace. I am sadly happy. I am just feel...alive. And its a good feeling. No, a grand feeling.

"Just an old-fashioned love song playin' on the radio
And wrapped around the music is the sound
Of someone promising they'll never go
You swear you've heard it before
As it slowly rambles on and on
No need in bringin' `em back,
`Cause they're never really gone

Just an old-fashioned love song
One I'm sure they wrote for you and me
Just an old-fashioned love song
Comin' down in 3-part harmony"

Greetings.

Wow, its been a long time since I last posted. Sorry about that. (Not sure anyone really reads this or not, heh.) Well, Life is really an adventure. Lots of things have happened in the past weeks. Some of those events I will not share with the Internet world, or the real world for that matter. Somethings are best kept to oneself.

On the 9th was my 19th birthday. Its still hard for me to believe that I am now in my last year as a teenager. It is altogether wonderful and terrifying. To not be a teenager; what am I do to? Being a teen is all I've know for years, having to be an "adult" sounds so frightening and unpleasant. I know thinking that way is silly and childish. Everyone has to leave their teenage years behind, but that does not mean one has to lose their inner Child. I swear that I will never lose my inner Child. If I were to lose Her, I would lose a huge and vital piece of my identity and soul. I could not imagine what I would be like without my inner Child. Its a scary thought indeed.

Oh, and I spent my birthday with the most amazing guy in the whole world. My love James, He made my birthday absolutely wonderful and perfect.

Many feeling have also been going through my heart, mind and soul. But I do not wish to dwell on them at this time. I am still trying to cope with my most recent "breakdown" I suppose you could call it. I had a bad past few does of self loathing. But enough on that matter.

this feeling.

I feel so strange. i do not know what it is really. Sadness. Loneliness. Emptiness. Loss. I am a void, yet overflowing. I want to laugh; I want to cry. I want lay down, yet I want to dance. I want to be alone, but I long to be held. This feeling. I can feel it in my stomach, in my heart, and it grabs hold on me to the point that I do not know what to do. I am at a loss. I do not know what to think. I do not know what to do. I simply do not know. I  feel so helpless. And yet, all I want to do is dance to the lovely sounds that fill my ears. The soothing sounds of music that remind me of happier times. 

To just forget everything, and dance.

its time to say goodbye again.

Today was a beautiful day. It saddened me that I had to spend most of it indoors babysitting. But I was happy. Listened to Old Music that I grew up on that I had almost forgotten about. Danced around, I found out that I can really shake my ass. >__<

Then..I came home. And I am sad. My great uncle Frutoso passed away in the early afternoon. He was my Grandpa's older brother. Frutoso may have lived far from me, but after my Grandpa died, I thought of Frutoso as a Grandpa. I am sad that I never told him that. I am sad that the last time I saw him was about a year ago. I am sad that I will never seen that crazy old man in a wheelchair ever again. But...I am happy he is in Heaven. I am happy that he is no longer in and out of hospitals. I am happy he is no longer in pain. I am extremely happy that Frutoso and my grandpa Fidel are reunited again. I am happy that they are happy.

I am never good at these things. The funeral will be on Sunday and Monday. I do not want to go. I do not want my last memory of Frutoso to be of his empty shell of a body lying in a box waiting to be thrown in the ground to wrought. I believe that is not the way he would want to be remembered. I want to remember him as the happy man he was. He never once complained about the pain he was in. He and Grandpa were both strong men. Both never let anything break their spirits. They both always fought their battles with all they had. Frutoso with his diabetes; Grandpa with his cancer. 

I will never forget either of them. I will always love them. One day, I will see them again. 

Mint Car.

The sun is up
I'm so happy I could scream!
And there's nowhere else in the world I'd rather be
Than here with you
It's perfect
It's all I ever wanted
I almost can't believe that it's for real

I really don't think it gets any better than this
Vanilla smile
And a gorgeous strawberry kiss!
Birds sing we swing
Clouds drift by and everything is like a dream
It's everything I wished

Never guessed it got this good
Wondered if it ever would
Really didn't think it could
Do it again?
I know we should!!!

The sun is up
I'm so fizzy I could burst!
You wet through and me headfirst
Into this is perfect
It's all I ever wanted
Ow! It feels so big it almost hurts!

Never guessed it got this good
Wondered if it ever would
Really didn't think it could
Do it some more?
I know we should!!!
Say it will always be like this
The two of us together
It will always be like this
Forever and ever and ever...

Never guessed it got this good
Wondered if it ever would
Really didn't think it could
Do it all the time?
I know that we should!!!

This song is amazing. This is how I feel right now, how I've been feeling. I love how music can capture a feeling is such a perfect way. I'm just so very happy. I do not know what else to say. Happiness and love have filled my heart. I could just burst.

a wee update.

Wow, it seems like ages since I last posted. Hello people of the internet. I hope that all is going well for you, and if that is not so, then I do pray that things will begin to look up for you.

My life has been crazy busy these past few week, that is why I have been unable to update my blog. I have been babysitting my younger cousins. Oh man, they sure can be a handful. But I do  adore them so. When I am not babysitting, I spend some quality time with my wonderful boyfriend James. Also, I squeeze time in for friends. And of course, I try to find time to read, take photographs, and write. It seems that so much has happened, and yet I do not know what all to put in this post. 

Basically, it goes something like this....graduations, graduations, GRADUATIONS...and babies. 

So many of my friends are graduating this year. It is insane, but so very fun. I do love seeing every one's hard work finally paying off.

Also, I have managed to injure my ankle. I pulled a ligament. (I heard it pop when it happened, gross.) I am in pain, and it is not fun at all. But I should be just fine. Knowing me, it came about in the lamest of ways. I tripped down a stair. Not stairs, but just a single stair. Oh dear, I am a clumsy one.

Anyways, that is all I have to share with you at the moment. Things are moving right along. I am happy. I am having adventures. I am deeply in love with James.

I love Life.