crazy night.

Last night was intense. I had a fantastic time with some awesome friends. Good company. Good conversation. Good times. I made a new friend, I will not say anymore on that. Oh boy. Monique and I know how to have a good time. Though I am sorry that I kept her from sleep and left her alone with a sleeping Sean. Actually, I am not all that sorry, because it was worth it. Indeed. Besides, once I explained everything to her, she was fine with getting a few less hours of sleep. And she is proud of me which makes me giggle to myself.



I feel bad for anyone who reads this post. All of you are out of the loop, and it will remain that way for I do not see the need to give you all the details of last nights shenanigans.



All in all, last night was crazy, fun, and I would love to do it all again.

the sound of silence.

"Hello darkness, my old friend,
I've come to talk with you again,
Because a vision softly creeping,
Left its seeds while I was sleeping,
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence.

In restless dreams I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone,
neath the halo of a street lamp,
I turned my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of
A neon light
That split the night
And touched the sound of silence.

And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more.
People talking without speaking,
People hearing without listening,
People writing songs that voices never share
And no one dared
Disturb the sound of silence.


Fools said i, you do not know
Silence like a cancer grows.
Hear my words that I might teach you,
Take my arms that I might reach you.
But my words like silent raindrops fell,
And echoed
In the wells of silence

And the people bowed and prayed
To the neon God they made.
And the sign flashed out its warning,
In the words that it was forming.
And the signs said, the words of the prophets
Are written on the subway walls
And tenement halls.
And whispered in the sounds of silence."

- Simon & Garfunkel.

This is a powerful song. Like many songs, everyone may gather something different from the next person. This songs sends chills up my spin, from the haunting sound of Paul Simon's voice to the soft sounds of the music. When I hear it, I am filled with emotion. I can not help but sing along with the chilling lyrics. Its mesmerizing, the feeling I receive when I listen to this song. I do have a side of me that is a recluse. Songs like these are the soundtrack to my reclusive lifestyle. Simon & Garfunkel are one of my favourite bands for prosaically these reasons.

adventures of babysitting.

Tonight is my first night babysitting the Jaso children. They are pretty awesome. Christian is the oldest at nine years of age; he is very helpful to have around. Micah is the middle child at seven years; he is crazy but manageable. Then there is Jamie, the youngest at two years; she is adorable and loves to mimic Micah. The Jaso's live in a small town somewhat near my own. I had a little trouble finding their house in the night, but I managed to not become to lost. That fact is something I am proud of. 

I have to admit, though I know this family, I was nervous about tonight. So far my nervousness as been proven to be a silly thing. There were some small fights between the brothers, but nothing to alert the coastguard about. All of us watched Batman Beyond: The Return of the Joker on Cartoon Network. The film was nothing like the original Batman, but it had its good qualities. During the film, Jamie came and cuddled up against my arm. I found this rather adorable, but soon after she bit my arm. She did not hurt me, and I had to stifle my laughter. After biting me, she ran off to annoy Micah. 

Before the movie had ended Baby Jamie's bedtime came about, this is when the real fun began. Poor thing, she sounded as if being dress for bed was worse then burning at the stake. Although she was crying, she did not put up much of a fight. She allowed me to change her diaper and clothes with little effort, but she did cry. Her brother Micah accompanied her through the "terrible"  ordeal. She was asleep in no time at all. Silly little girl, all those tears wasted. Jamie is a silly girl, though I suppose all children dislike having to go to bed while the "grown ups" stay up. 

It was rather obvious around 9:30 that the boys were growing tired, but they fought it. At around ten their weariness was to great and they staggered off to bed. Even as I typed this I can hear Star Wars: The Clone Wars streaming from their room. Christian is still awake and trying to fight off sleep.

 I will end this post now and urge Christian to get some well needed sleep.

beauty.

I get all dolled up. I fix my hair until I am satisfied with how it looks. I apply make-up to my face. I dress myself in my favourite articles of clothing. I choose my attire based on my mood. If I am feeling girly, perhaps a dress is what I'll wear. Since this time of year is my favourite, often I will not be without a sweater, hat or scarf. When I am all dolled up, the world may view me as beautiful. But I do not feel beautiful.

My hair is a mess. My face is red. My clothes are sweaty. I am on the court. I may not be the best basketball player, but I love to play. When I am sweaty from playing, the world may not view me as beautiful. But I feel alive. To feel alive is beautiful.

My face is bare. No make-up. My hair is wet. Wavy, stuck to my face, not straight. I have a towel wrapped around me. I just got out of the shower. When I am bare and average, the world may not view me as beautiful. But I feel refreshed. To feel refreshed is beautiful.

When the world may not view me as beautiful, that is when I feel different than the world. When I feel different, I feel like myself. When the world rejects me, I feel found. When the world calls me ugly, I feel beautiful.

walk a mile in my shoes.

walk a mile in my shoes., originally uploaded by tessie!.

The title says it all. So often people tell me, "I know how you feel." They say it because maybe they do, but more than likely they say it because they can not think of anything else to say. These people think that saying this to you, means something, that they have made you "feel better." When in all reality, I want to punch them in the face for saying those words. If that is all you can say to me, then please hld your tongue. I'd rather you be silent and sit by my side than say those empty words. Sometimes all a person needs is silence and to know you are there. At least, that is how I function. I do not need your flashy words, empty words or silly words. I just like knowing you are there. Silence, a hug, a smile means more then your words. But if you really do have a profound statement to share, then go ahead. Hopefully, my heart will listen.

you.

"I'll be yours forever, just tell me when to start." - The Honorary Title

It's true. All you have to do is tell me.. For some odd reason, I trust you. You did nothing to earn or lose it. It did not take me years to trust you as it normally does. For some strange reason, I trusted you from the beginning. To tell you the truth, it scares me more than anything. I've never had this happen to me before. This feeling is altogether new to me. It gives me an odd feeling in my stomach. Not a sickly feeling, not a warm feeling, I do not know how to explain it. But it does not feel wrong or bad, just different from anything I have experienced.

ponder.

I wonder how things will turn out. I hope they turn out for the better.

"We got to hold on to what we got."

I am living on a prayer this week. Let's pray it turns out wonderful.

last night.

Monique and Tesia make a scene.
Quantum of Solace.
Random friends of a friend.
Every gas station closed.
Monique and Sean having to pee like pregnant women.
Finding an open gas station is like finding oil in the desert.
Cops in the parking lot.
Vacant field.
Cold nights.
Hot Boxin'.
Having the giggles.
"Is that my phone on fire?"
Pass it, pass it.
Divide it out.
"IS THAT A CAR COMING!?! oh wait, its that damn poster."
Good times with friends.
Eat M&M's.
Crash.

Best night of the month? Hell yeah.
Priceless, bitch.

jealousy.

Why do I get so ridiculously jealous? It is crazy! I become so jealous at the slightest of things. My jealousy irritates me. When I become jealous, I can feel my stomach flip, my face warms up and I almost cry. It's almost like I am jealous and angry at the same time. It really bothers me. My jealousy is so great that sometimes I become angry at the person I feel the jealousy towards. It does not matter who the person is, it could be an old friend. But when my jealousy takes over, it's like I hate them. It could last for a minute, hour or days. And, just as quickly my jealousy comes, it goes.

I do not understand. I get so protective of the things I care about. Whether its activities I like to do, or people that I care about, if another person becomes involved in said activities or becomes close to those people, the jealousy takes over.

Even if I have no logical reason to feel this way, it still overtakes me. My jealousy issues are something I really need to tend to. I need to be able to control my jealous, not let it control me.

down the rabbit whole.

I have been feeling the creative juices flow through my body. The Cranberries cover of "Kiss Me" is playing on my iTunes. I experienced an urge to write as the first notes of the song crept into my ears. I'm entirely unsure at this point what it is I am feeling. I feel warm, cold, lost, afraid, loved, wanted, forgotten, weary, longing, wanting, needing, and completely unsure of my life.

I am listening to Damien Rice on iTunes now.

My life is spiralling around me, yet time seems to be moving slowly. I feel the pressure of registering for college classes, though I am unsure about future schooling. I am growing increasingly discourage. Try as I might I still have not found a job. Recently, I was in a car accident. At times, I feel like my best friend is replacing me and that I am growing farther part with my dearest friends. I am all together scared to open my heart to anyone, especially the one I want to be loved by. I am worried if I let anyone come close, let them know my inner secrets that they will be disgusted by what they find. I fear that I am unworthy of human love. I fear that I am a complete failure. I have let so many people down. I have lost anyone I have loved completely, or thought I loved. People have said they would never leave, but they do. I know I can not put all my trust into people. Only God can truly satisfy me. But then, why do I not feel like He does? I have tried to fully give myself to Him, yet again and again I fail Him. He has yet to answer my one prayer. Perhaps, He has and it "no," and I just refuse to accept it as fact. I find it increasingly difficult to live each day when everywhere I look I see the evils and sorrows of this world.

I fear most of all that I do not know how to love. I have never seen first hand love. My parents do not love each other. I have seen other parents in love, and I wonder, "Why were my parents not like that? Why did God let them hate each other?" I do not understand. How could God allow two people who are supposed to be in love, hate each other. It does not make sense. I wish someone could explain this to me. I know no one will be able to.

I have this whole in my heart. No matter what I try to fill it with it, it keeps on growing. I fear eventually it will consume me. I fear that one day, my fears will destroy me. I want all my fears, sorrows, pain, and hurts to go away and be healed. People have tried to help me, but nothing seems to be working. I try to pray, but every time I end up mad at God and crying myself to sleep. Nothing seems to work.

The more I think about ways to fix myself, the more I think about my problems, and the hurt grows more. I do not know what to do anymore. Perhaps, there is nothing I or any other human can do. Perhaps, I am beyond fixing, because maybe I do not want to be fixed.

I have gone down the rabbit whole, and I do believe there is no turning back.

But that does not mean I do not want someone to try to pull me out. Someone to pull me out of the pit that I dug myself. I hope the person who is able to pull me out comes soon. I am tried of being alone. I am tired of being alone in the dark.

Help me crawl out.

oh the joys of life.

Well, today I went to my grandma's house to babysit. It was interesting. My mum was there for a bit which was helpful. We had to take care of Kayla, Elias and Darrin. My mum had to leave to take Kayla to speech therapy; I was left with Elias and Darrin. Evin was dropped off by the school bus. Evin helped me keep an eye on Elias. I believe that I did not put down Darrin for two hours, and I have a sore arm to prove it. The poor little guy was crying. I gave him a bottle which calmed him down while the bottle lasted. Then the crying began again. He burped and spit up, and did all the things babies do. I decided I would check his diaper that's when the real fun started. He had a messy diaper. I took it off and began to clean him. Only, he was not quite finish. Pee went everywhere! I covered him back up with the diaper just a tad to late. The bed and his clothes were wet. I asked him, "Darrin, you silly little guy, are you finished now?" To which he respond with a grin and a laugh. "Oh Darrin, you're lucky I love you," I laughed in reply.

As a nice surprise, my aunt Helen arrived to pick up Evin and Elias. I told her about my "adventure" with Darrin. She found it rather humours. After they left, Darrin was calm for a bit. He would not allow me to sit down. I carried him around the house. I heard a car door outside. Then Grandma and Grandpa came in! As much as I love my baby cousin, I was glad to see Grandma. I told her about Darrin, she also found it humorous.

And that is my story for the day. Quite an event. My shirt smelled of thrown up formula, and my arm is very sore. However, it was all worth it. Darrin is a joyful hand full, and I love him very much. Taking care of him today, gave me a small glimpse at what it will be like when I have my own children. I pray I will be a good mother.

"mad world."

"Mad World"

"All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for the daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrows
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you, cos I find it hard to take
When people run in circles it's a very very
Mad world, mad world

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy birthday, happy birthday
And they feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me whats my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me

And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you, cos I find it hard to take
When people run in circles it's a very very
Mad world, mad world"

- Tears For Fears

Earlier today, I watched Donnie Darko for the first time. During the end of the movie Gary Jules' cover of Tears For Fears "Mad World" is played. Gary Jules does a grand performance. Upon hearing it, I was struck through the heart. This song touched me. I felt something. The emotion I had been under the influence of finally made sense. I found the words that discribed my inner self in such a perfect way. The part in bold is closest to my heart. I could have never portrayed my emotions in a more clear way. I am not sure how to explain it. Listen to Tears for Fears "Mad World" and then you will know what it is I am feeling. Its an ironic twisted feeling, yet, I feel peace, safety, and complete. Perhaps, I have come so accustomed to this Mad World we live in. Perhaps, my emotional and mental problems are so deeply rooted that they will never be up-rooted. And if they ever are, will the outcome be physically damaging?

"The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had."

the many faces of Darrin.

Alright. This is my baby cousin Darrin. He is adorable, silly, and so much fun to photograph. I love this little guy.

crazy times.

This past weekend was interesting to say the least. It all started Saturday night. Katherine and I planned on going to a pool hall. Two of our friends, Everett and Joel, met us there. The evening started out lovely. We played doubles, Joel and Katherine were on a team, and me and Everett were on a team. It was quite a humorous event. Everett put most of our teams balls in the pockets. I managed to sink two the entire evening. I am not a grand pool player, but I try my best. Joel went to pick up his younger brother, Luke. When they returned, the whole gang migrated to The Coffee Pot next door. The Coffee Pot has some of the best coffee in good ol' San Marcos. I bought my usual Vanilla Latte, it is heaven in a cup. Everyone bought their drink of choice, we had some interesting conversation. From the bathroom keys to Mr. Timmons' "Things are never what they appear" joke, and everything in between, it was lovely being able to sit with good friends and enjoy the night.

Leaving the Coffee Pot to venture to Calvary Chapel of the Springs is when the night took a horrid turn. Everett and I were in my car driving to the church when we were hit. Impact. Scream. Slide. When my car came to a stop, I was on the verge of panic. Tears welled up in my eyes, I was saying my favourite cuss word over and over, I was shaking, and having trouble breathing. I thank God we were not hurt and Everett was with me. Everett helped me keep my calm. Katherine, Joel and Luke came as soon as Everett told them what happened. I am very thankful I had wonderful friends with me. They all helped me greatly. Thank you.

The police arrived and swiftly started to evaluate the situation. There were three police cars and I believe five officers, I'm not sure why they needed so many. It took about an hour for the police to do their job, the whole time I was on the verge of tears. Again, I am glad everyone was there. In the end, I was held at fault for making an "illegal lane change," however I was not issued a ticket. Praise God!

My dad was not happy when I told him of the night's event. He was mad and disappointed with me. He has calmed down since then. Though he is still not happy. He has ordered the parts that are needed to fix my little car. Hopefully he will be able to start work on it this week.

On a brighter side, yesterday was my younger cousin Kayla's birthday! She turned three years old. The party was Dora the explorer themed. Kayla was so adorable and she really fancied the swings. Sadly, I was unable to stay for the whole party.

And on an even brighter side, my dear friend Willem will be home from Navy Basic training sometime at the end of the week. His mother told me last night he would be leaving Wednesday. If he comes by bus he will be here Friday, or if he comes by plane he will be here Thursday. I hope he has a safe and quick trip home. I miss him very much and I am very excited to see him.

"we go blind, when we've needed to see"

"We go blind, when we've needed to see." - Damien Rice.

That is how I feel about our country at this time. The people have been blinded by false hope and lies. The people have blindly followed their "leader" without knowing what it is he truly stands for. The nation is blindly, slowly going to follow their leader into socialism. It sounds good on paper and with flashy words, "redistribute the wealth." Take from the rich, and give to the poor. Sure, it sounds like a grand idea. Take from the hard working, and give to the lazy. Does that sound good to everyone? Are you willing to let the Government take your hard-earned money and give it to your lazy bum of a neighbor who says, "why work, when the government will take care of me?"

The ideas of socialism and communism sound good on paper, but they never work. Just look at history. What happened to the Soviet Union and its people? Look at the way China used to be, and how it is now. Look at all the other small, poor countries that let socialism and communism take over. These governmental systems are weeds. They look beautiful, but they choke the spirit of the people until any spirit of patriotism is snuffed out.

Now, we have opened our door to the idea of socialism. It will not be long before it has taken hold, and the roots are far to grand to be destroyed.

I can feel the down fall of this once great country. Not just because of the socialistic ideas, but also because no great super power last forever. At some point the power becomes to great, and it all starts to slowly fall apart until it is just another page in a history book. If you do not believe me, look at history. The Egyptian Empire, the Persian Empire, the Greek Empire, and the Roman Empire, none of the once great empires exist anymore because at one point the power became to great. More recently the British Empire, it is no longer what it used to be. Yes, the British Empire is still holding strong, but the words, the British Empire, do not hold the same weight the way they did hundreds of years ago.

I am worried about the future of this country, for the future of its people.

breaking into place.

I have been thinking about doing this for awhile. I have decided to write a post on the meaning of the title breaking into place.

This blog is my awakening into truly living, and a journey into self-realization. By writing I hope to come to understand my crazy thought process. I want to understand who I am. I want to know who Tesia Naomi is. By writing about the events in my life and how I cope and understand them, I hope to be able to comprehend who I truly am. I want to know the meaning behind my thoughts. I want to be able to say,"I am Tesia," and know what that means. I want to search within my soul. I want to meet my inner demons and defeat them. I want to use this blog to help understand myself. I want to use this blog to discover what it is I fear, then conquer those fears. i want to to uncover what makes me tick. I want to know.

I want to use this blog to grow closer to God. To use this blog to call out to Him. I want to use this blog to help me understand my place in the world, in my family, in my life. I want to find my place.

I want to find my place. Finding my place will be hard. Finding my purpose will be difficult. The answers and events that lead to my place will not fall into place. No, it will not be that easy. Finding my true self will be a long tedious journey. The answers and the pieces to the puzzle will be slowly breaking into place. It will take time.

How much time, I do not know. The journey will be all together worth it. The pain that I will endure will be worth it. In the end, I will have learned so much about myself. I will have learned to cling to God for strength.

I am anxious to meet myself. I am anxious to be close to God.

rootless tree.

November. A new month. A new month with new adventures. New failures. New heartaches. New happiness. New experiences. New places. New people. Of course that means a whole bunch of new blog posts!

Lately, I have been struggling with a certain thought process. I feel lost, alone at a table of friends, and forgotten. I feel as though I am stumbling blindly through the darkness. My senses are dull, I can hear the muffled voices of those I call friends. I feel as people see right through me, as if I am transparent. Seeing me, but not noticing me. Alone and wanting so much for someone to reach out and take my hand. To lead me back to reality.

I feel like there is no where I belong. I do not fit in anywhere. i am struggling to find my place in the world. I am a rootless tree, longing to find a place where I can take root. To let my roots take hold and grow. Until I find this peace, I will remain restless and uneasy.

I can not shake these feelings, no matter how hard I try. I am stuck in this rut, and I need to get out! i will make it out. I will find my place in the world. i can do anything with God's help. He has a plan for my life. He is in control. I would not want it any other way.