Thankful.

Today is Thanksgiving. In light of the holiday, I have decided to make a list of all the people and things I am thankful for. Here it goes...

My family. Even though there are times we drive each other crazy, I love every one of you very much. My parents and I hardly ever see eye to eye but we manage. We've had our share of arguments but they have done so so so much for me during my life. I am thankful for my Grandma Mary Lou for giving me a place to live for the past two years. My cousin Ashley for being there for me through out the years. She is not just my cousin; she is my sister.

My friends. Katherine, she has been there since day one, and I can always count on her. Hanna, she is my other half. No one can even compare to her awesomeness, and she is stronger then anyone I know. Amanda, she means so much to me, and I do not know what I'd have done without her.

Mister. I'm far too embarrassed to put your real name. Though I'm sure its no secret who you are. I am so very grateful to know you. No matter what stupid thing I do, you are always there to listen to me. Honestly, I do not know what I would do or what would have happened to me without you. You are a great friend. I love you.

My health. I am thankful to be healthy. Despite allergies and asthma, I am healthy as a horse. Woo!

My house. Thank you again Grandma for allowing me to live here, eat your food, and use your utilities...all for free! It really means a lot to me.

My Hubert. That wonderful little red '92 Toyota Corolla has gotten me from point A to point B for the past year and he continues to run well. Despite all the hardships I have put him through.

My Bartholomew. He may have only been around for a few months, but he was a grand little hamster. I loved him very much, and I'm sad he is gone now. Rest in peace little guy.

My job. Zumiez! I am thankful for having an amazing job that I love a lot. The people I work with are amazing, and my managers are rad to the max. Couldn't ask for a better job.

My Nikon. He is a grand camera. I enjoy having him around very much. Thanks Papa for buying him for me. The Nikon has given me great joy over the years.

My education. Thanks mom for putting me through private school. First at The Master's School then at Hill Country, I am very grateful for it. You may have been hard on me, but I know you had your reasons. And it has paid off, even though I am not in college now. I'm sorry, I know it drives you crazy. Heehee.

The Beatles. Their music has gotten me through some of the hardest experiences in my life.

Fidel Gutierrez Silguero. I love you so much. All through my life you taught me so many things. From how to check the oil in a car to how to care for family and friends. You are the strongest person I know. Watching you fight the battle against cancer was the hardest thing for me to do. Knowing there was nothing I could do to help you. The cancer may have destroyed your body, but you never let it break your spirit. I miss you. Its been hard these past few years. But I know you are no longer suffering. I am so thankful to call you, Grandpa.

the song in my head.

"And this is what she sang...

It's not like I'm a slut

Or that I really like to fuck

I just want every boy I see

To walk away with part of me.

Until there's nothing left to hold

Until there's nothing left to hate

I appreciate your help

But even you can't save me from myself."

- "Japanese Gum" by: Her Space Holiday

November.

Wow, its been a while since I've written. A lot has happened in the past month. I do not feel like recapping everything that has happened.

I have so many emotions going through me. Love, angry, hope, sorrow, loneliness, happiness, bitterness, and then a nice big helping of confusion to top it all off. It seems that everything has changed into something different, and yet everything is still exactly the the same as it was. Every day is a new adventure but feels the same as the last. Same place, same people, same conversations. Same ideas, same dreams, same fears.

This place that I am at is different then were I was a few months ago, but I find myself pondering over the same questions. The answers I have not yet found. And I am making the same mistakes I have made in the past. I do not want to keep repeating history. Though moving on into some unknown territory altogether frightens me. To go somewhere I have never been, to face the obstacles that will come, I wonder if I will be able to make the right decisions.

Joan Jett.

"I dont give a damn bout my reputation
Youre living in the past its a new generation
A girl can do what she wants to do and thats
What Im gonna do
An I dont give a damn bout my bad reputation

Oh no not me

An I dont give a damn bout my reputation
Never said I wanted to improve my station
An Im only doin good
When Im havin fun
An I dont have to please no one
An I dont give a damn
bout my bad reputation

Oh no, not me
Oh no, not me

I dont give a damn
bout my reputation
Ive never been afraid of any deviation
An I dont really care
If ya think Im strange
I aint gonna change
An Im never gonna care
bout my bad reputation"

"Bad Reputation" by: Joan Jett

Enough said. This song is rad.

precious.

"Things get damaged, things get broken
I thought we'd manage, but words left unspoken
Left us so brittle
There was so little left to give"

"Precious" by: Depeche Mode

I don't even know what I'm feeling right now. i made a mistake and I just hope it will be fixed.

the long and winding road.

"Many times I've been alone

And many times I've cried

Anyway, you'll never know

The many ways I've tried

And still they lead me back

To the long and winding road

You left me standing here

A long long time ago

Don't leave me waiting here

Lead me to your door

And still they lead me back

To the long and winding road

You left me standing here

A long long time ago

Don't keep me waiting here

Lead me to your door"

- "The Long and Winding Road" by: The Beatles

Please, don't leave me here. Alone. Lead me to your door.

I've been on a Beatles kick these past few days, expect more post with Beatles song quotes.

life rantings.

Sometimes I wonder why we have to go through so much hardships in our lives. I have not had the easiest of lives to lead. Parents divorced by the time I was five, no memories of ever having a real family, dad not wanting to really see me until I was older, and a mom who tried her best to raise me on her own. Growing up, I'd hear the kids talk about events and outings they enjoyed with their parents; I never knew that feeling, I do not remember my parents being together. I am not close to either of them. Even now, I do not know how to be. I find it weird and awkward when my dad tries to be what he considers "fatherly" considering he has not had much practice.

But despite all the things I have gone through in my life, not just the family issues, but also so many other happening that I do not feel comfortable writing about, I am glad I endured them.

I would not be the person I am today if it were not for these events. We has people go through so much shit in out lives, and what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. Sounds cliche I know, but it is true. The choices and events in our life shape who we are. We can either let the bad stuff crush us or we can learn from it. We can feel sorry for ourselves or we can take action and strive to make things better. We can let terrible things control our lives or we take back the wheel work towards something better.

Life's a bitch and shit happens, but don't let that stop you.

Some days, most days.

I feel as though I'm being taken advantage of and used by the one person in my life that I feel I can trust. The thought of cutting my ties with this person has crossed my mind so many times, but I have not been able to bring myself to fully go through with it. This person means too much to me, even though I am almost positive I mean nothing to them.

you.

"You're a part time lover and a full time friend." - The Moldy Peaches

No other words could explain it better.

"I don't see what anyone can see in anyone else but you."

Love Will Tear Us Apart

When the routine bites hard
And ambitions are low
And the resentment rides high
But emotions wont grow
And were changing our ways,
Taking different roads
Then love, love will tear us apart again

Why is the bedroom so cold
Turned away on your side?
Is my timing that flawed,
Our respect run so dry?
Yet theres still this appeal
That weve kept through our lives
Love, love will tear us apart again

Do you cry out in your sleep
All my failings expose?
Get a taste in my mouth
As desperation takes hold
Is it something so good
Just cant function no more?
When love, love will tear us apart again

- Joy Division.

not sure what to call this one.

Life is an adventure. I have been pretty busy this past month. Working, working and squeezing in time for friends. I have not had the time to write or take photos in a long time. I have not updated my flickr since...July. That makes me very sad. Work is slowing down, which is not so grand for my bank account (I plan on looking for a second job, perhaps be a waitress.) Business should pick up again in November. However, during the down time I will have more time for the people and things I love. More time for friends, the Nikon and of course my love James. I am looking forward to being able to take time out of my day to do all the things I have missed. I will have to try to save my money though, easier said than done.

So much has happened in the past month. I do not plan to document all the events that have taken place. I simply had the urge to write and update my wee blog. I feel I have neglected my blog greatly so far this year. For that I am sorry. I started this for myself as a way to document the event in my life and the random little thoughts that flood my mind. Writing more often on this blog is something I will work very hard to accomplish. My hope was to post at least once a week and I am going to try and do just that.

Oh, and on a side note...ONE MORE WEEK UNTIL BEATLES ROCKBAND HITS STORES!!!!

I am very excited about this.

"You say you want a revolution
Well you know
we all want to change the world
You tell me that it's evolution
Well you know
We all want to change the world
But when you talk about destruction
Don't you know that you can count me out
Don't you know it's gonna be alright"

I can not wait. It's going to be amazing.

Prayers for a friend.

This evening I received terrible news about a dear friend of mine. I have known him for quite sometime. I have a few grand childhood memories of him. I have many high school memories with him; we also graduated together. I treasure every memory we share, him and our friend Katherine. The three of us share so many memories. From one of her birthday at the Sunset Bowling Alley (I can't remember if it was her 6th or 7th) to the cruise we went on several years ago. And of course our years spent in high school. The news came as a shock but some how I had this fear and dread that I would one day have it delivered to me.

From Katherine via text message: Hey guys. Today Tim Wilhelm dove into the river and hit his head. He is in the emergency surgery right now. He broke his skull and has bleeding on the brain and he broke his neck. So please send a prayer up for him! Please. He has been in surgery for 4 hours now...

I read this over and over. Trying to take it in. It was a huge shock and yet I always had a feeling in the pit of my stomach that one day I would hear something like this. Tim was diagnosed as an epileptic. This may have had an effect on this terrible accident. I do not know all the details so I am unsure as to what all happened. All I know is that one of my dear friends that I love is badly, badly hurt and is in need of prayer. This is in God's hands, only He has the power to heal Timmy. I pray that Timmy will be brought through this and will be the same Timmy that I and so many others know and love. My heart is breaking in my chest for him and his family. I pray that they feel God's love and peace surround them. He will bring them through this horrid experience.

Please, whoever may be reading this, please pray for my friend. Please pray that he will make it through this. Please pray for the doctors. Please send Timmy and his family and friends prayers and good thoughts.

Update: I just got word that he is out of surgery, but they will not know if he has brain damage or is paralyzed until he wakes up. Please continue to pray for him.

Another Lonely Friday.

Well I'm sitting on my bed listening to the Nylon Summer Playlist. It is amazing by the way. No plans for today, laundry got in the way. It happens, oh well. Well I do have some exciting news! I have a job! The interview last Sunday went swimmingly. I start work at Zumiez on August 2nd. I am so very excited to have a real awesome job. Everyone there are splendid and major bad asses, mhm. I'm looking foreword to my first day with nervous anticipation. It will be really exciting and it will push me out of my comfort zone. It will be a grand experience indeed.

Since I have nothing to do tonight, I shall watch The Lost Boys. I have never seen this film but I have wanted to for a long time and I have heard that it is excellent. I shall write about if I like it or not. I am sure I will love it though.

Good day.

HELLO!! I am simply happy today. This has been an amazing weekend. I will not even begin to try and explain how lovely I am feeling. I have an amazing family, even though they annoy me at times. I have a roof over my head. A very nice roof at that, heh. I have the most amazing boyfriend in the whole wide world. I love him so much. And my God is good. So very good. He has blessed me in so many ways, and I am eternally grateful. I have an interview this evening at a store at the outlet mall, called Zumiez. I am extremely nervous about it. But I am trusting God, and I pray that I get this job.

Life is good.

Greetings from Harlingen.

Hello people of the Internet! I hope everyone is have a grand weekend and an equally grand summer full of exciting adventures.

At the moment, I am visiting my aunt Susan in Harlingen. Most of my cousins are also down here. It has been nice to get away, to roam around a different city then my own. I was hoping that we would be able to venture to the beach during my visit, but it seems that will not be happening. Oh, well. Though it was been quite relaxing. Swimming their pool, playing Rockband, and watching my younger cousins play Halo 3. Yes, it has been rather refreshing to be able to get away from good old San Marcos for a few days. I do love have been able to take this mini-vacation!

I wish I was able to stay here longer, but Life is busy and I must return to everyday adventures soon. It will be slightly difficult to get back into the old routine, but I do have little endeavours planned for the up coming week. As I stated in my last post, I am very determined to find a job. I have high goals for this summer and I plan on achieving them.

I do hope everyone is having a wonderful summer thus far.

Hello, July.

It is a new month. Which brings new adventures, new experiences, new mistakes, new lessons and all sorts of new memories to be made some good and some bad. I am all together excited to see what the month of July holds for me. Will it bring a job? Will I finally get everything done for school? And I am so anxious to see how my relationship with James will grow, I fall deeper in love with him each day. He really is such a blessing. I thank God for bringing him into my life.

Also, I have decided a few things. I am really going to take action, buckle down, and get some things taken care of. I am going to start eating healthier and shed some of these fatty pounds. I am going to work my butt off to find a job that pays better then babysitting (60 bucks a week, some times a bit more.) I need to get a job and start saving for an apartment. I will get out of this house by the end of the year. And with some determination and hard work, I know I can do it! I will do it. I have to. My sanity is at risk.

I welcome July with open arms and an open mind. I will embrace this month. I will work towards making my dreams come true. It starts now.

Today,

I feel like, "a old-fashioned loved song." Indeed, not sure how to explain this. I just feel free, light and at peace. Though Life is on the crazy side. Money is sparse. I have just enough to get buy. (food, gas, and some to play with.) I need a real job; I want to move out by the early fall. I am hoping to do that. I need to get my paperwork done for school.

But despite everything I need to do and everything I want to do. I am at peace. I am sadly happy. I am just feel...alive. And its a good feeling. No, a grand feeling.

"Just an old-fashioned love song playin' on the radio
And wrapped around the music is the sound
Of someone promising they'll never go
You swear you've heard it before
As it slowly rambles on and on
No need in bringin' `em back,
`Cause they're never really gone

Just an old-fashioned love song
One I'm sure they wrote for you and me
Just an old-fashioned love song
Comin' down in 3-part harmony"

Greetings.

Wow, its been a long time since I last posted. Sorry about that. (Not sure anyone really reads this or not, heh.) Well, Life is really an adventure. Lots of things have happened in the past weeks. Some of those events I will not share with the Internet world, or the real world for that matter. Somethings are best kept to oneself.

On the 9th was my 19th birthday. Its still hard for me to believe that I am now in my last year as a teenager. It is altogether wonderful and terrifying. To not be a teenager; what am I do to? Being a teen is all I've know for years, having to be an "adult" sounds so frightening and unpleasant. I know thinking that way is silly and childish. Everyone has to leave their teenage years behind, but that does not mean one has to lose their inner Child. I swear that I will never lose my inner Child. If I were to lose Her, I would lose a huge and vital piece of my identity and soul. I could not imagine what I would be like without my inner Child. Its a scary thought indeed.

Oh, and I spent my birthday with the most amazing guy in the whole world. My love James, He made my birthday absolutely wonderful and perfect.

Many feeling have also been going through my heart, mind and soul. But I do not wish to dwell on them at this time. I am still trying to cope with my most recent "breakdown" I suppose you could call it. I had a bad past few does of self loathing. But enough on that matter.

this feeling.

I feel so strange. i do not know what it is really. Sadness. Loneliness. Emptiness. Loss. I am a void, yet overflowing. I want to laugh; I want to cry. I want lay down, yet I want to dance. I want to be alone, but I long to be held. This feeling. I can feel it in my stomach, in my heart, and it grabs hold on me to the point that I do not know what to do. I am at a loss. I do not know what to think. I do not know what to do. I simply do not know. I  feel so helpless. And yet, all I want to do is dance to the lovely sounds that fill my ears. The soothing sounds of music that remind me of happier times. 

To just forget everything, and dance.

its time to say goodbye again.

Today was a beautiful day. It saddened me that I had to spend most of it indoors babysitting. But I was happy. Listened to Old Music that I grew up on that I had almost forgotten about. Danced around, I found out that I can really shake my ass. >__<

Then..I came home. And I am sad. My great uncle Frutoso passed away in the early afternoon. He was my Grandpa's older brother. Frutoso may have lived far from me, but after my Grandpa died, I thought of Frutoso as a Grandpa. I am sad that I never told him that. I am sad that the last time I saw him was about a year ago. I am sad that I will never seen that crazy old man in a wheelchair ever again. But...I am happy he is in Heaven. I am happy that he is no longer in and out of hospitals. I am happy he is no longer in pain. I am extremely happy that Frutoso and my grandpa Fidel are reunited again. I am happy that they are happy.

I am never good at these things. The funeral will be on Sunday and Monday. I do not want to go. I do not want my last memory of Frutoso to be of his empty shell of a body lying in a box waiting to be thrown in the ground to wrought. I believe that is not the way he would want to be remembered. I want to remember him as the happy man he was. He never once complained about the pain he was in. He and Grandpa were both strong men. Both never let anything break their spirits. They both always fought their battles with all they had. Frutoso with his diabetes; Grandpa with his cancer. 

I will never forget either of them. I will always love them. One day, I will see them again. 

Mint Car.

The sun is up
I'm so happy I could scream!
And there's nowhere else in the world I'd rather be
Than here with you
It's perfect
It's all I ever wanted
I almost can't believe that it's for real

I really don't think it gets any better than this
Vanilla smile
And a gorgeous strawberry kiss!
Birds sing we swing
Clouds drift by and everything is like a dream
It's everything I wished

Never guessed it got this good
Wondered if it ever would
Really didn't think it could
Do it again?
I know we should!!!

The sun is up
I'm so fizzy I could burst!
You wet through and me headfirst
Into this is perfect
It's all I ever wanted
Ow! It feels so big it almost hurts!

Never guessed it got this good
Wondered if it ever would
Really didn't think it could
Do it some more?
I know we should!!!
Say it will always be like this
The two of us together
It will always be like this
Forever and ever and ever...

Never guessed it got this good
Wondered if it ever would
Really didn't think it could
Do it all the time?
I know that we should!!!

This song is amazing. This is how I feel right now, how I've been feeling. I love how music can capture a feeling is such a perfect way. I'm just so very happy. I do not know what else to say. Happiness and love have filled my heart. I could just burst.

a wee update.

Wow, it seems like ages since I last posted. Hello people of the internet. I hope that all is going well for you, and if that is not so, then I do pray that things will begin to look up for you.

My life has been crazy busy these past few week, that is why I have been unable to update my blog. I have been babysitting my younger cousins. Oh man, they sure can be a handful. But I do  adore them so. When I am not babysitting, I spend some quality time with my wonderful boyfriend James. Also, I squeeze time in for friends. And of course, I try to find time to read, take photographs, and write. It seems that so much has happened, and yet I do not know what all to put in this post. 

Basically, it goes something like this....graduations, graduations, GRADUATIONS...and babies. 

So many of my friends are graduating this year. It is insane, but so very fun. I do love seeing every one's hard work finally paying off.

Also, I have managed to injure my ankle. I pulled a ligament. (I heard it pop when it happened, gross.) I am in pain, and it is not fun at all. But I should be just fine. Knowing me, it came about in the lamest of ways. I tripped down a stair. Not stairs, but just a single stair. Oh dear, I am a clumsy one.

Anyways, that is all I have to share with you at the moment. Things are moving right along. I am happy. I am having adventures. I am deeply in love with James.

I love Life.

babysitting days.

Well at the moment I am babysitting my little three-year old cousin Kayla. She is happily watching Max & Ruby on Nick Jr. She is a silly little thing; I do enjoying taking care of her. She can be quite a handful at times. But are not all young children a joyful pain. Chuckle. I do love her so. It is interesting watching her and her little mannerisms. She is a unique girl. She enjoys playing with her Easter eggs more then the candy that was in them. Which was no doubt eaten by her parents or older brother. Aw, Kayla is so very tired, but she persists to fight off her sleep as long as possible. I wish she would take a nap. She so desperately needs one.

On another note, the screen on my phone is all messed up. I can not see anything. It is such a nuisance. I am unable to see text messages. Oh well, hopefully, my replacement phone will be in Wednesday. Then my life will go back to "normal." I find it sad how my life is slightly annoyed by the loss of my cell phone's screen. I think these next couple days without a screen will be good for me. I do not need to use it all the time. Though it makes connecting with my family and friends difficulty. I will be happy to have a working phone again, but in the mean time, I will make the best of this situation.

It's a Fine.

It's a fine day. Tis rainy and deary outside. I love days like these. All I want to do is curl up book and coffee mug in hand. Perhaps, to make the experience even more grand, add James into the mix of things. 

I love lazy days. Where all one wants is to sit and watch the world turn, to cuddle up with their sweetheart, and to simply drink up the simple wonders of life. I love days like today. Only thing that is missing is my sweetheart. But we will be together again tomorrow.

I think I will end this blog post sooner then anticipated and brew myself a pot of wondrous coffee. Good day, to all you lovely bloggers, readers, and whomever else may stumble across my little blog.

wonderfully amazing.

In the midst of all the turmoil that my family is going through, it was hard to find a reason to smile. A reason to be happy. A reason not to cry. These past few day have been wonderful. But yesterday takes the cake by far. 

This past weekend I met someone who changed my life for the better. I had all but settled for the attention I thought I deserved. I am so very glad I met this person when I did, before it was too late. He has captivated me in a way I never thought possible. He is the single most amazing man I have ever met. He treats me the way I have always dreamed of being treated. He makes me feel so incredibly special. And in turn, I have made him extremely happy. We have found happiness in each other. I am thoroughly excited to see what the future holds for us. I am ready to begin this new life and relationship with this amazing man.

We met this weekend. Talked. Hung out. And yesterday, he asked me to be his. I said yes. Of course, I was nervous. Not knowing what would happen next. Saying yes has proven to be the best decision I have made in my life thus far. He is so wonderful. I can not get over how lucky I am to have him. Its hard to believe that I would find someone like him. Me...I've always settled, never had what I really wanted. Never felt like I was getting treated the way I deserved to be. Because, quite frankly, I do not believe I deserve to be treated so wonderfully. I'm happy that despite what I might think, he still treats me with such care and devotion. I can only imagine how time will make our relationship grow.

This wonderful week can be summed up in two words: James Miller.

Untitled.

"You shut your mouth
How can you say
I go about things the wrong way
I am Human and I need to be loved
Just like everybody else does."

- The Smiths

Last night was a terrible night. Started good, middle was wretched, ended descent. Basically, what I feared would happened, happened. Only far worse then I thought possible. I knew he would be mad, but I truly believed he was done making me stupid. I know he says terrible things. But I did not see him being so harsh to make his point. I do not understand why he seems to hate me so much. I know that he is trying to do his best. But from what I have observed about his behaviour compared to the way it is "supposed" to be, it is unbelievable the differences that I see.

I'm so tired of always doing things wrong, and never pleasing him. I thought she was hard to please. I thought she was my enemy. Everyday I spend here I am beginning to see that they are really not all that different. What I was trying to escape, I have found it here. Only it is in a different form.

The Smiths.

"Last night I dreamt
That somebody loved me
No hope, no harm
Just another false alarm

Last night I felt
Real arms around me
No hope, no harm
Just another false alarm"

- The Smiths.

Why do I feel so alone? All I want is some security. To love and be loved in return. When the day comes that I truly feel that I have found what I am looking for, I will be immensely happy. No words can describe the longing in the pit of my stomach. There is nothing that I desire more then to bring another person happiness, security and to love that person with all my heart till the end of my days.

i wish...

I lived alone. I love my grandma, but I do wish I lived alone. I like having the house to myself. I dislike being cooped up in my room, but I do not want to be around people all the time. 

I wish I had a nice little house all to myself. That would be just dandy. Oh, and I would have a nifty kitty as well.

She's still too young.

I kissed your mouth
You do not need me

I was listening to iTunes when "Volcano" By Damien Rice crept into my ears. I had an urge to take some photos. This is what i created. I have an idea of what they mean to me. Not necessarily going along with the song. This is what i gathered after taking these and from some of my own experiences in life.

So many young girls do things to be loved. Things that they should never ever have to do. some do it cos they feel they have to in order to be loved or popular. Which in fact is a blatant lie of the today's culture. i have fallen into these lies in the past and in the not so distant past. I wish i could take back those mistakes, but i can not. And i have learned some valuable lessons from these mistakes. my only hope is that young girls will have the wits to keep from making these mistakes over and over again. do not buy into the lie that you have to degrade yourself to feel wanted, loved, or important. If someone truly loves you, they will not pressure/force you into doing anything that you feel is wrong.

these photos do not even begin to scratch the surface of the feelings that i am trying to portray. perhaps someday i will be strong enough to fully tell my story. 

more photos here

yummy.

I really like powdered donuts! I have white powder all over my pants, hands, and face. Sometimes you need to not take life so seriously. Just eat some powdered donuts and laugh at the white powder that somehow made its way to your forehead.

I do really love life. Even if at times it throws me some huge trials to deal with.

new/old style.

This past Tuesday, I got my hair did! Yep, I finally had my hair cut ad styled. I went back to rocking the super short hair. I really do love it ever so much. Cory is an amazing stylist. It was exciting to have him cut my hair. He cut all of it with a razor, it was trippy. Never had that done before, but I do love the outcome. I have a new/old style. New because it has never quite looked like this (I'm rocking the fauxhawk at the moment); old because I have had short hair in the past. 

I am excited about my new/old hair.

Rantings.

What happens if you live like there is no tomorrow? Say everything you ever wanted to without worrying about the outcome. Love like you had nothing left to lose, and all that mattered in the world was the love you shared with someone special. Would it be so hard to throw all our worries to the wind? To just live without a care in our minds? To know that everyday is a new beginning, and the problems of the day before stayed in yesterday. The only things that matter are what is in Today. Not to dwell on the stories that Yesterday hangs on to, and not to worry about the mysteries that Tomorrow keeps hidden. Why must we constantly brood over the unknown and the past we can not change, or the circumstance we have no control over? If we all just took the time to take in the day and to live life to the fullest each day, would that really be a horrid thing? 

Now, I'm not saying to live without responsibility. But we should live without regret for things that made us happy at the time. Everything we have done had a purpose and at that time in our life it was all we ever wanted and could hope to have. Why would you regret something that made you feel complete, even if for all the wrong reasons. For a small moment it made you feel...something. To feel something, good or bad, is infinitely better then being void of emotion and being numb and cold to the world. Everyone is entitled to Live, that is our basic Human Right. Why should anyone deny a Human the right to Live. 

We must not cheapen this precious gift. By worrying and brooding for the terrible past or what could have been. We need to learn to forgive and forget. It is hard to forgive another human but is equally difficult, if not more so, to forgive ourselves. But we can not move forward in our lives without learning to Forgive. A human can not hope to live a happy life knowing that forgiveness is due in some area of his life. 

Again, I am NOT saying live without responsibility. Every Human is responsible for his own actions, words, and thoughts. You must take and treat that responsibility with respect. Everyone is Human, therefore everyone deserves respect just as you yourself deserves respect. If everyone was given the respect they deserve...oh how we could change the world! If everyone was treated like the Human Being that they are, I know the world would change for the better. If everyone could just let go of the past, of some one's failures, and just realize we are all Imperfect Humans, the change we would bring about is beyond what I can imagine. The hope we would have as a Species is immense.

Sadly, I know that none of this is completely possible. Because of the simple fact that we ARE Imperfect Humans.

the cure.

Mmm. The Cure. Their haunting melodies make my heart melt. The perfect way to end a crazy weekend: Sitting under a blanket listening to my The Cure Station on Pandora Radio. Oh, how i enjoy these hauntingly peaceful sounds. I am content with my being.

I added a new piece of metal to my body. I do adore my ear cartilage ring. It has become a part of me.

quite frankly.

I miss you. I care for you. I think about you often. I enjoy being near you. I have trouble sleeping at night because I can not get you off my mind. I wonder if you also think of me. I am crazy about you. I wish I knew how you feel about me. This not knowing for certain is driving me insane. I believe that you are absolutely amazing. I enjoy our little outings ever so much. Every moment I spend by your side is remarkable. I wish they could last forever. You bring a smile to my face every time I see you, think about you, hear about you and talk about you. I can not even say your name without smiling immensely. The sound of your voice is lovely. I could go on and on about how splendid you are.

Quite frankly, It comes down to this: I love you.

Now if only I could muster up the courage to say this to you.

believe.

So give me something to believe
Cause I am living just to breath
And I need something more
To keep on breathing for
So give me something to believe

I am hiding from some beast
But the beast was always here
Watching without eyes
Because the beast is just my fear
That I am just nothing
Now its just what I've become
What am I waiting for
Its already done

"Believe" by the Bravery.

This song portrays how I have been feeling as of late. I long to find something to live for. I want to be able to feel safe and secure in my relationships.

I want to know how it is that you feel. I know what I am feeling is real. I love you, and that terrifies me deeply. I am petrified of loosing you. The thought makes me cringe and the tears flow from my eyes. I want to spend the rest of my days with you. I would spend every moment by your side if I was able to do so. I want to bring you happiness.

My Dear, I love you. I am terrified. I do not know how you feel. I am all together frightened of revealing my feeling to you, for fear of rejection.

I want our love to be the "something to believe in." I never want to be without you.

everything.

Everything about you makes me smile. Your quirky sense of humor, your eccentric mannerism, your goofy little smile that you try so hard to hide, everything makes me grin uncontrollably. The way you look when you are "mad" at me makes me want to giggle. You make me entirely happy. I am so happy to know you, and to have you in my life. You brighten my day immensely. I can not bare the thought of ever losing you. Yet, I can not dare to bring myself to say those words that linger at the corners of my mind, the tip of my tongue, the edge of my heart. 

I wish I was brave enough to tell you...everything.

what a surprise...

I'm doing it to myself again. I'm becoming depressed for no good reason. Just because I'm feeling a little lonely is no reason to act like my world is falling apart. I have tried so hard to not let this happen again. But, what a surprise! Its happening again.

I do not know what to write anymore. Thus, I shall end this post now. I have no motivation today.

amazed.

I am excited! I am going to be just fine. I was scared for a little while. However, today I found out everything is going to be fine. I am determinded no to make the same mistake again. I have said the same thing in the past but this time, I am going to try my hardest. I do not want to live my life in fear and anxiety. I believe that goes against everything I have strived for. 

Well, I just wanted to make a small update into my world at the moment. I made a huge mistake and I was terrified of the outcome. Though, I have learned a valuable leason. For that I am greatful. Life is hard but I enjoy every moment that passes by. And I do try to live every moment to the fullest. I do not want to feel like I have wasted a beautiful day of this crazy life I live in this wonderous world we live in. Perhaps I sound much to happy, but in all honesty, what is wrong with being optimstic? I have live as a sad deppresed person for far too long! I truly believe the best medicine for my depessed state is to get out and LIVE! Go to the river! The park! Play! Laugh! To simply be happy! 

Hm, I guess that is all I have to say at the moment. WOW! I am so happy to be an imperfect human girl. I would not want it any other way. 

choices.

I have a tough desicion to make. I have to make it quite soon. I wish I did not have to do this. Alas, I have only brought this upon myself. Why must life be so complicated? I long to return to a simplier time, but that is only wishful thinking. Both sides of this choice have grand and not so grand aspects. Then again, is not that how it normally is. I should feel worse about this, shouldn't I? But I do not. I feel marvelous. I am an odd one. I hope that in the end the choice I make will be worth while. 

Oh, my my my. How my body aches! I am very tired. I would like to nap, but the more I sleep the more my body aches. Damn. 

the road less traveled.

Today was a very good day. Started out with my morning run. I did not get to running til about eleven this morning. I had to drag my lazy ass out of bed. I promise, one of these days i will have my run through by ten! After my run, I fixed myself a bowl of cereal and proceeded to see what was happening on the Internets. I find it kind of sad how I must periodically check the inter web. If I was with out the web for a week, I might go insane. That fact depresses me. Well, what is a modern girl to do? Oh well, I'll shrug it off.

I spent the majority of my day surfing the web and what not. Did some cleaning, if you can call it that. Feed Bartholomew, listened to Bright Eyes, and waited around for Willem to call me. We had made plans to go visit this lovely little trail that a friend had told me about. I managed to keep myself busy.

When Willem arrived, we hopped into my car and made our way over to the little trail. We walked all over that beautiful place. Saw some lovely sights that I did not see my first time there. I will have to take my Polaroid there to capture on of the sights, a peace sign on the ground made of rocks. I had a grand time with Willem. He is absolutely wonderful. And that trail was perfect. Such a lovely place to share with my dear friend!

All in all, today was definitely a marvelous day! I feel that today I took the road less traveled. Seeing the beautiful in the "ordinary," finding meaning in the simple, and treasuring the little things in life. 

love.

"Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love
Listen to the music of the moment, maybe sing with me all our peaceful melody
It's our God-forsaken right to be loved love loved love love."
- Jason Mraz


These lyrics are in my heart and are moving my soul. Love. I truly believe Love is the strongest force in the universe. Love moves people. Love holds all relationships together. Without Love there is no peace. Without Love there is no happiness. There is so much pain, death and heartache in this world. All because so many people have forsaken love.

Love has been linked with weakness. People have begun to believe, if you love then you are weak and worthless. Power is based on hatred and cruelty. There are so few people in leadership that truly Love. Love that is for their neighbor, for the sick, for the needy, for the abandoned. It is so easy to love a person that promises you riches and power. However, for most it is difficult to love the one who can not give you anything but love in return.

When I see someone that truly Loves for the sake of only being loved in return, it brings me to the verge of tears. Knowing that real love exists somewhere in this world gives me the strength to make it through one more day.

new year's resolutions.

A Quick Update: Bartholomew, my beloved hamster, is home! He was found around 5:00 p.m. I am overjoyed by his return. He is safe, though a tad bit dirty from being under our refrigerator. I am very glad to see him in his cage and playing on his wheel once again.

Well, as promised, here are my New Year's Resolutions. I have chosen eighteen goals for myself since I am eighteen years old. This idea was given to me by my friend, Emilee.

Tesia's New Year's Resolutions:

1) Eat healthier.
2) Gradually become vegetarian (key word, "gradually" heh heh)
3) Run at least twice a week.
4) Write letters to my friends.
5) Start learning Japanese.
6) Practice my photography more frequently.

7) Enroll at ACC. (Austin Community College)
8) Read at least two new books a month.
9) Post on my blog at least twice a week.
10) Write in my personal journal at least once a week.
11) Live on a prayer!
12) Do volunteer work.
13) Read my Bible at least five times a week.
14) Do NOT over eat.
15) Set a good example for my younger cousins.
16) Be the best friend I can be.
17) Learn to cook well. (got to start practicing for when I am married! heh)
18) MOVE OUT! (Indeed.)

There they are. I know many of these will be hard for me to keep, however, I will do my best to keep them. 

Again, I wish you all a Happy New Year!

new year.

Well it's a whole new year. At the moment, I do not feel much like writing. My dear hamster, Bartholomew, is missing. Last night he escaped his cage. Now he is loose in the house. I can not find him anywhere. I think he might be asleep somewhere. I pray that he is safe.

Later, when I feel a little better about this ordeal, I will write a much more informant post. I still have not written my New Year's Resolutions. This will be the first year I make some, and I do plan on trying my hardest to keep them. I do believe this will be a grand challenge for myself. Once I have written them down, I will post them here. My reason for this is to have some sort of "accountability." Even if no one reads them, even if no one really cares about what I am doing, knowing that I have posted them here for the world to see will help me have the drive to accomplish them.

People of the world, I do hope that all of  you had a safe and happy New Year. Also, I pray that you all will have wonderful adventures, learn from your mistakes, live on a prayer, and keep your resolutions.