Hello, July.

It is a new month. Which brings new adventures, new experiences, new mistakes, new lessons and all sorts of new memories to be made some good and some bad. I am all together excited to see what the month of July holds for me. Will it bring a job? Will I finally get everything done for school? And I am so anxious to see how my relationship with James will grow, I fall deeper in love with him each day. He really is such a blessing. I thank God for bringing him into my life.

Also, I have decided a few things. I am really going to take action, buckle down, and get some things taken care of. I am going to start eating healthier and shed some of these fatty pounds. I am going to work my butt off to find a job that pays better then babysitting (60 bucks a week, some times a bit more.) I need to get a job and start saving for an apartment. I will get out of this house by the end of the year. And with some determination and hard work, I know I can do it! I will do it. I have to. My sanity is at risk.

I welcome July with open arms and an open mind. I will embrace this month. I will work towards making my dreams come true. It starts now.

Greetings.

Wow, its been a long time since I last posted. Sorry about that. (Not sure anyone really reads this or not, heh.) Well, Life is really an adventure. Lots of things have happened in the past weeks. Some of those events I will not share with the Internet world, or the real world for that matter. Somethings are best kept to oneself.

On the 9th was my 19th birthday. Its still hard for me to believe that I am now in my last year as a teenager. It is altogether wonderful and terrifying. To not be a teenager; what am I do to? Being a teen is all I've know for years, having to be an "adult" sounds so frightening and unpleasant. I know thinking that way is silly and childish. Everyone has to leave their teenage years behind, but that does not mean one has to lose their inner Child. I swear that I will never lose my inner Child. If I were to lose Her, I would lose a huge and vital piece of my identity and soul. I could not imagine what I would be like without my inner Child. Its a scary thought indeed.

Oh, and I spent my birthday with the most amazing guy in the whole world. My love James, He made my birthday absolutely wonderful and perfect.

Many feeling have also been going through my heart, mind and soul. But I do not wish to dwell on them at this time. I am still trying to cope with my most recent "breakdown" I suppose you could call it. I had a bad past few does of self loathing. But enough on that matter.

its time to say goodbye again.

Today was a beautiful day. It saddened me that I had to spend most of it indoors babysitting. But I was happy. Listened to Old Music that I grew up on that I had almost forgotten about. Danced around, I found out that I can really shake my ass. >__<

Then..I came home. And I am sad. My great uncle Frutoso passed away in the early afternoon. He was my Grandpa's older brother. Frutoso may have lived far from me, but after my Grandpa died, I thought of Frutoso as a Grandpa. I am sad that I never told him that. I am sad that the last time I saw him was about a year ago. I am sad that I will never seen that crazy old man in a wheelchair ever again. But...I am happy he is in Heaven. I am happy that he is no longer in and out of hospitals. I am happy he is no longer in pain. I am extremely happy that Frutoso and my grandpa Fidel are reunited again. I am happy that they are happy.

I am never good at these things. The funeral will be on Sunday and Monday. I do not want to go. I do not want my last memory of Frutoso to be of his empty shell of a body lying in a box waiting to be thrown in the ground to wrought. I believe that is not the way he would want to be remembered. I want to remember him as the happy man he was. He never once complained about the pain he was in. He and Grandpa were both strong men. Both never let anything break their spirits. They both always fought their battles with all they had. Frutoso with his diabetes; Grandpa with his cancer. 

I will never forget either of them. I will always love them. One day, I will see them again. 

It's a Fine.

It's a fine day. Tis rainy and deary outside. I love days like these. All I want to do is curl up book and coffee mug in hand. Perhaps, to make the experience even more grand, add James into the mix of things. 

I love lazy days. Where all one wants is to sit and watch the world turn, to cuddle up with their sweetheart, and to simply drink up the simple wonders of life. I love days like today. Only thing that is missing is my sweetheart. But we will be together again tomorrow.

I think I will end this blog post sooner then anticipated and brew myself a pot of wondrous coffee. Good day, to all you lovely bloggers, readers, and whomever else may stumble across my little blog.

wonderfully amazing.

In the midst of all the turmoil that my family is going through, it was hard to find a reason to smile. A reason to be happy. A reason not to cry. These past few day have been wonderful. But yesterday takes the cake by far. 

This past weekend I met someone who changed my life for the better. I had all but settled for the attention I thought I deserved. I am so very glad I met this person when I did, before it was too late. He has captivated me in a way I never thought possible. He is the single most amazing man I have ever met. He treats me the way I have always dreamed of being treated. He makes me feel so incredibly special. And in turn, I have made him extremely happy. We have found happiness in each other. I am thoroughly excited to see what the future holds for us. I am ready to begin this new life and relationship with this amazing man.

We met this weekend. Talked. Hung out. And yesterday, he asked me to be his. I said yes. Of course, I was nervous. Not knowing what would happen next. Saying yes has proven to be the best decision I have made in my life thus far. He is so wonderful. I can not get over how lucky I am to have him. Its hard to believe that I would find someone like him. Me...I've always settled, never had what I really wanted. Never felt like I was getting treated the way I deserved to be. Because, quite frankly, I do not believe I deserve to be treated so wonderfully. I'm happy that despite what I might think, he still treats me with such care and devotion. I can only imagine how time will make our relationship grow.

This wonderful week can be summed up in two words: James Miller.

quite frankly.

I miss you. I care for you. I think about you often. I enjoy being near you. I have trouble sleeping at night because I can not get you off my mind. I wonder if you also think of me. I am crazy about you. I wish I knew how you feel about me. This not knowing for certain is driving me insane. I believe that you are absolutely amazing. I enjoy our little outings ever so much. Every moment I spend by your side is remarkable. I wish they could last forever. You bring a smile to my face every time I see you, think about you, hear about you and talk about you. I can not even say your name without smiling immensely. The sound of your voice is lovely. I could go on and on about how splendid you are.

Quite frankly, It comes down to this: I love you.

Now if only I could muster up the courage to say this to you.

everything.

Everything about you makes me smile. Your quirky sense of humor, your eccentric mannerism, your goofy little smile that you try so hard to hide, everything makes me grin uncontrollably. The way you look when you are "mad" at me makes me want to giggle. You make me entirely happy. I am so happy to know you, and to have you in my life. You brighten my day immensely. I can not bare the thought of ever losing you. Yet, I can not dare to bring myself to say those words that linger at the corners of my mind, the tip of my tongue, the edge of my heart. 

I wish I was brave enough to tell you...everything.

amazed.

I am excited! I am going to be just fine. I was scared for a little while. However, today I found out everything is going to be fine. I am determinded no to make the same mistake again. I have said the same thing in the past but this time, I am going to try my hardest. I do not want to live my life in fear and anxiety. I believe that goes against everything I have strived for. 

Well, I just wanted to make a small update into my world at the moment. I made a huge mistake and I was terrified of the outcome. Though, I have learned a valuable leason. For that I am greatful. Life is hard but I enjoy every moment that passes by. And I do try to live every moment to the fullest. I do not want to feel like I have wasted a beautiful day of this crazy life I live in this wonderous world we live in. Perhaps I sound much to happy, but in all honesty, what is wrong with being optimstic? I have live as a sad deppresed person for far too long! I truly believe the best medicine for my depessed state is to get out and LIVE! Go to the river! The park! Play! Laugh! To simply be happy! 

Hm, I guess that is all I have to say at the moment. WOW! I am so happy to be an imperfect human girl. I would not want it any other way. 

the road less traveled.

Today was a very good day. Started out with my morning run. I did not get to running til about eleven this morning. I had to drag my lazy ass out of bed. I promise, one of these days i will have my run through by ten! After my run, I fixed myself a bowl of cereal and proceeded to see what was happening on the Internets. I find it kind of sad how I must periodically check the inter web. If I was with out the web for a week, I might go insane. That fact depresses me. Well, what is a modern girl to do? Oh well, I'll shrug it off.

I spent the majority of my day surfing the web and what not. Did some cleaning, if you can call it that. Feed Bartholomew, listened to Bright Eyes, and waited around for Willem to call me. We had made plans to go visit this lovely little trail that a friend had told me about. I managed to keep myself busy.

When Willem arrived, we hopped into my car and made our way over to the little trail. We walked all over that beautiful place. Saw some lovely sights that I did not see my first time there. I will have to take my Polaroid there to capture on of the sights, a peace sign on the ground made of rocks. I had a grand time with Willem. He is absolutely wonderful. And that trail was perfect. Such a lovely place to share with my dear friend!

All in all, today was definitely a marvelous day! I feel that today I took the road less traveled. Seeing the beautiful in the "ordinary," finding meaning in the simple, and treasuring the little things in life. 

love.

"Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love
Listen to the music of the moment, maybe sing with me all our peaceful melody
It's our God-forsaken right to be loved love loved love love."
- Jason Mraz


These lyrics are in my heart and are moving my soul. Love. I truly believe Love is the strongest force in the universe. Love moves people. Love holds all relationships together. Without Love there is no peace. Without Love there is no happiness. There is so much pain, death and heartache in this world. All because so many people have forsaken love.

Love has been linked with weakness. People have begun to believe, if you love then you are weak and worthless. Power is based on hatred and cruelty. There are so few people in leadership that truly Love. Love that is for their neighbor, for the sick, for the needy, for the abandoned. It is so easy to love a person that promises you riches and power. However, for most it is difficult to love the one who can not give you anything but love in return.

When I see someone that truly Loves for the sake of only being loved in return, it brings me to the verge of tears. Knowing that real love exists somewhere in this world gives me the strength to make it through one more day.

livin' on a prayer.

"She says we got to hold on to what we got,
It doesn't make a difference if we make it or not.
We got each other and that's alot,
For love we'll give it a shot.

Oh, We're half way there
Oh oh, livin' on a prayer
Take my hand we'll make it I swear!
Oh oh, livin' on a prayer"

- Bon Jovi

This song has been on my mind for about the past week. The small section that I have typed above holds quite a bit of meaning for me. I feel like this is how I want to live each day of my life. I want to "hold on to what we got;" I want to be happy "if we make it or not." Because, "for love I'll give it a shot!" I want to live on a prayer. I want to put all my trust in that prayer and live for love. I know I can live on a prayer, because I know who hears my prayer. God hears my prayer, and His love is so much deeper then the love any human could ever give me. "Take my hand, we'll make it I swear," when I hear that line, I picture God saying that to me. Although, I wonder if it would sound more like this, "take my hand we'll make it, I promise."

I want to live on a prayer. I want to put all my heart and soul into that prayer. I want to live happily "If we make it or not." I want to find someone to live on a prayer with. In my life I want to "hold on to what we got." I want to be satisfied with the life I live on this earth, no matter how brief a time it may be.

And, I challenge YOU. I challenge you to live on a prayer. I challenge you to put all your trust in the God who hears that prayer. I challenge you to hold on to what you got. I challenge you to be satisfied in your life. I challenge you.