wonderfully amazing.

In the midst of all the turmoil that my family is going through, it was hard to find a reason to smile. A reason to be happy. A reason not to cry. These past few day have been wonderful. But yesterday takes the cake by far. 

This past weekend I met someone who changed my life for the better. I had all but settled for the attention I thought I deserved. I am so very glad I met this person when I did, before it was too late. He has captivated me in a way I never thought possible. He is the single most amazing man I have ever met. He treats me the way I have always dreamed of being treated. He makes me feel so incredibly special. And in turn, I have made him extremely happy. We have found happiness in each other. I am thoroughly excited to see what the future holds for us. I am ready to begin this new life and relationship with this amazing man.

We met this weekend. Talked. Hung out. And yesterday, he asked me to be his. I said yes. Of course, I was nervous. Not knowing what would happen next. Saying yes has proven to be the best decision I have made in my life thus far. He is so wonderful. I can not get over how lucky I am to have him. Its hard to believe that I would find someone like him. Me...I've always settled, never had what I really wanted. Never felt like I was getting treated the way I deserved to be. Because, quite frankly, I do not believe I deserve to be treated so wonderfully. I'm happy that despite what I might think, he still treats me with such care and devotion. I can only imagine how time will make our relationship grow.

This wonderful week can be summed up in two words: James Miller.

amazed.

I am excited! I am going to be just fine. I was scared for a little while. However, today I found out everything is going to be fine. I am determinded no to make the same mistake again. I have said the same thing in the past but this time, I am going to try my hardest. I do not want to live my life in fear and anxiety. I believe that goes against everything I have strived for. 

Well, I just wanted to make a small update into my world at the moment. I made a huge mistake and I was terrified of the outcome. Though, I have learned a valuable leason. For that I am greatful. Life is hard but I enjoy every moment that passes by. And I do try to live every moment to the fullest. I do not want to feel like I have wasted a beautiful day of this crazy life I live in this wonderous world we live in. Perhaps I sound much to happy, but in all honesty, what is wrong with being optimstic? I have live as a sad deppresed person for far too long! I truly believe the best medicine for my depessed state is to get out and LIVE! Go to the river! The park! Play! Laugh! To simply be happy! 

Hm, I guess that is all I have to say at the moment. WOW! I am so happy to be an imperfect human girl. I would not want it any other way. 

the road less traveled.

Today was a very good day. Started out with my morning run. I did not get to running til about eleven this morning. I had to drag my lazy ass out of bed. I promise, one of these days i will have my run through by ten! After my run, I fixed myself a bowl of cereal and proceeded to see what was happening on the Internets. I find it kind of sad how I must periodically check the inter web. If I was with out the web for a week, I might go insane. That fact depresses me. Well, what is a modern girl to do? Oh well, I'll shrug it off.

I spent the majority of my day surfing the web and what not. Did some cleaning, if you can call it that. Feed Bartholomew, listened to Bright Eyes, and waited around for Willem to call me. We had made plans to go visit this lovely little trail that a friend had told me about. I managed to keep myself busy.

When Willem arrived, we hopped into my car and made our way over to the little trail. We walked all over that beautiful place. Saw some lovely sights that I did not see my first time there. I will have to take my Polaroid there to capture on of the sights, a peace sign on the ground made of rocks. I had a grand time with Willem. He is absolutely wonderful. And that trail was perfect. Such a lovely place to share with my dear friend!

All in all, today was definitely a marvelous day! I feel that today I took the road less traveled. Seeing the beautiful in the "ordinary," finding meaning in the simple, and treasuring the little things in life. 

love.

"Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love
Listen to the music of the moment, maybe sing with me all our peaceful melody
It's our God-forsaken right to be loved love loved love love."
- Jason Mraz


These lyrics are in my heart and are moving my soul. Love. I truly believe Love is the strongest force in the universe. Love moves people. Love holds all relationships together. Without Love there is no peace. Without Love there is no happiness. There is so much pain, death and heartache in this world. All because so many people have forsaken love.

Love has been linked with weakness. People have begun to believe, if you love then you are weak and worthless. Power is based on hatred and cruelty. There are so few people in leadership that truly Love. Love that is for their neighbor, for the sick, for the needy, for the abandoned. It is so easy to love a person that promises you riches and power. However, for most it is difficult to love the one who can not give you anything but love in return.

When I see someone that truly Loves for the sake of only being loved in return, it brings me to the verge of tears. Knowing that real love exists somewhere in this world gives me the strength to make it through one more day.

when things need to be fixed.

Today is a new day, today I thought through some things that have been nagging at my mind. I went to Goodwill and dropped off some clothes, headed to Sonic, bought a half-priced strawberry slushie, then drove to my favorite hang out, Playscape. Being outside in this lovely fall weather really helped clear my head. I walked about Playscape taking photos of the sights that facinated me. I found a nice picnic table and smoked some cigs. There is where I did my thinking.

There are several areas in my life that need fixing. The most important aspect of my life that desperatly needs fixing is my walk with God. I miss feeling close to Him, the way I was when I was younger. I do not know when I started to turn my back on God, but no longer do I want to live like this. All the loniness, sorrow, fear, hopeless, and regret. I no longer want to be a slave to those feelings. All the hurt that I have experienced in my young life, I want God to heal my scares. He is the only one that is capable of healing my broken heart. No boy, drug, alcohol, music, book or friend can fully heal me. Only God can bring me the peace that I so desperatly long for. Only God can silence the screams on my inner demons that tell me I am worthless. Only God can reach down and pluck me out of my darkness. I call out to Him, and I know He hears. I know that with His help alone, can I turn my life around. With His strength alone can I make it through another tragic day. With His love alone can my heart be healed into on piece. Only after God has helped me back on my feet, can I ever be fit to love anyone. From today on, I will with God's love and help turn my life around. I want to be seen as a Child of God, not as a child of the Devil.

I have lived a dishonoring life for far to long. I want my life to be fixed before its to late. I need to be fixed before something horrid happens to me. I want to be a living testimony of the Lord's power.